I Remember Loving You

I never knew what knew what it was to want someone until you graced my life. I never knew that it could hurt so much and feel so good all at the same time. To have our bodies wrapped around and intertwined in each other. To have hot skin on my cold body and to be filled with your warmth and feeling it spread to my body. And to have gray eyes so close to mine that I was never should have seen. For maybe if I hadn't seen then I wouldn't loved you, wouldn't have wanted ... no ... needed you. Needed to feel you inside me, touching my soul and freeing my body. Feeling you rip into me and having my life and love poor out. I could die like this. I could die this very moment and be happy. In a way I want to die right now...then I could leave this place wrapped only in your warmth, with only the memories of now. the memories of when you did care about me. You didn't most of the time, no matter how much I loved you. I was only this person in your life who was always there. never someone you loved, maybe someone you never cared about. I remember when you said you did. My heart broke that day... I had convinced myself that no one cared and then..... I also remember when you left me. I remember crying in your arms, silently begging for you not to do it. Then leaving and crying myself to sleep for so many weeks. I remember seeing you again... I'll never forget that. I remember harsh words. How cruelly you spoke them. Saying I was nothing, that I never meant anything. I ran away that time, took up a razor and cut into my body. I remember the blood, the rivers of blood. Not enough to kill me, but damn there was a lot of blood. I remember just swimming in it. I remember screaming in an unheard voice begging, crying, pleading with the gods to just take me. To just end it. I remember you coming to me and finding me like that. Naked and bloodied on the floor. You yelled, scream "what the hell have you done to yourself?!" You didn't understand, you didn't know. Oh Gods you hurt me and you didn't know. I remember you weeping, crying the tears that I couldn't. You were so beautiful then. With your silver hair all around your face, small streams of tears gliding down you cheeks. I remember you gathered me up in your arms and took me to away. You washed me and carried me to your room. I remember lying on your bed my copper hair sounding me. I hated it, my hair. It marked me for who I was. What I was apart of and why you could never love me. I hated it, but you told me it was beautiful. I remember you making love to me that night, my body cut and bruised, you were so gentle. I fell asleep in your arms. I remember waking up, sunlight streaming in through your window, and finding you weren't there. I should have know you wouldn't be, I should have know that of course you would have gone to Him. Your precious Lord. I remember you were gone for such a long time. There were excesses as to why you weren't present but I knew the truth, I knew where you were. I remember you coming back. You only back for a few days when you took his life. I was shocked. How could you? I cared about him, I loved him. When they found his body ... all torn up, I knew it was you who did it. I... I knew. I remember... I forgave you and went to you. But by then it was too late. The other, Harry had already gone after you. It was over before I got there. I remember finding you, your lifeless body. And you were still so beautiful. I remember lying down next you and crying. I touched you and held you and I decided I wasn't gonna cry any more. I remember taking up my old razor and slitting my veins open. I remember it, all the pain, I bleed. And I remember it... But most of all I remember warm flesh and whispered concerns. I remember having you tell me you cared about me and me not believing you. I remember being so close that I wanted to die... I remember loving you.