Screaming Moments

Screaming Moments

Severus walked into his office in his usual bitter manner. His ensemble was black as usual, but that didn't matter. No trivial thing like that was ever very important to him. His brow furrowed as he headed for his Pensieve, running a hand through his oily hair for probably the twentieth time that day, slicking it back.

"Idiot boy! First he drives a car in front of Muggles, then he blows up his aunt and endangers himself by going out alone. Then he goes and fights with Voldemort alone meanwhile his friends and he are always going out where they shouldn't and playing hero; and now THIS!" Snape yelled while clutching at his wand and grabbing the Pensieve off his shelf. "Does nothing ever end with Potter?"

He threw the delicate silver bowl roughly down onto his desk, cursing as it broke and its contents leaked out; its memories it held whispering silently what they were. Snape flicked his wand and muttered "Reparo" and everything seemed to go into reverse and fix itself. He sighed heavily and pulled a chair up to it, removing his thought rather quickly. I just removed it... then why am I still thinking of it? He ran his hand through his hair as he leaned back and closed his eyes. He could imagine her before him, imagine every detail. The pale skin and her dark brown hair. Snape had often wondered why it wasn't her hair, now shining beautiful like a sort of brown spun silk before him, that he had inherited. Her long lashes fluttered as she opened her eyes, a hazel so deep, they could melt you with a gaze.

'Dammit Severus! Stop yourself from remembering her right now, you know what memory will come back soon if you don't.'

But he couldn't stop. He was mesmerized by her stare, remembering the same black dress that she always wore...his father bought dozens of them for her, claiming that no other clothing looked beautiful enough for her to wear. She was his slave in the house, that's all that Severus's mother was to him, just a slave. Someone for him to indulge in his carnal desires with, cook him dinner and clean the house...or else. Ah yes, that's when the memory always came back, when the 'or else' was remembered. She tried her best to keep the house spotless.

Severus would be damned if she didn't, but that one day when he was ten, she had accidentally broke a china cup in front of Father on one of his bad days. Her frail hands shook violently when she stooped to pick up the fragments, but she wasn't quick enough. His father strode over and grabbed her by the upper arms, shook her so hard Severus was afraid her neck would snap. Tears streamed down her cheeks and smeared her makeup as she tried to stutter her apologies; but whenever she would try he would shake her roughly and smack her in the mouth and yell about how clumsy she was. He had felt so weakened then, and what had he done? Had he helped the only person in that family who truly loved him? No. He huddled in a corner silently crying as well, too afraid to stand up for her, too afraid to stop him.

'But she never hated me for that for some reason. I wanted her to hate me so badly, it would have eased the guilt if only she hadn't kept insisting that there was nothing I could have done anyway...if only. Damn you! Stop this right now! She's gone, she's dead, there's no reason I should remember her anymore. I should just forget about her. It isn't that hard, just forget her like the day that I walked out on her.'

Try as he might, this thought only served to bring back another memory. The day he left his home, the day he practically killed her himself. He was the only thing in her world that could bring her up from her despair, keep her sane as she hugged him to her chest and rocked back and forth crying and thinking up ways to leave. Only he couldn't take it anymore. A month after he turned eighteen he packed his things and yelled in his father's face about how he would leave and take her with him, how they would never come back here, how they would leave him to die a pathetic man that he was. She was shocked and tried to calm him down so he wouldn't provoke his rage, but his father smacked her so that she fell to the ground against the kitchen wall. Then Father turned and laughed at Severus asking if he really thought she would leave him. Turning to her once more he screamed for her to get out, but all she could do was whimper while curled up against the wall.

"GO!", he had said, "Get the fuck out! Now's your chance if you want to leave so badly, if I'm so cruel to you then go with your faggot son!". He had laughed in both their faces and kicked her in the thigh and left. "Please mother," he had pleaded, "let's just go, you heard him, we can leave him now. It'll just be you and me, I found the most wonderful flat in the world in an all Wizarding community. I'll clean and cook for you. We'll buy new dresses, yellow, your favorite color." She shook her head no and screamed at him for making his father do this to her; in her anger she had blamed him for every beating that she endured. It was the final straw for Severus. He just left and told her to stay until he beat her to death. Turned his back onto his mother as she cried for him to come back to her and help her stand. Slammed the door on her as he stalked away to his new flat and the screaming as his father came down the steps again to beat her for even thinking of leaving him.

'Then just five days after that, I was reading the obituaries in the newspaper and saw hers. She killed herself, I know it had to be because of me, I was her only support in that whole house. My father didn't even apologize to her after he hit her; just said that she deserved it in that horrible gruff tone of his. My aunts and grandparents were just as bad. They always loved to tell her that parts of the house were dirty to watch her clean as though her life depended on it...it did. Ok, I have to stop now...this is ridiculous remembering the past when it has nothing to do with the present.'

Severus put his wand to his head and extracted the silvery mist, placing it into the bowl. It would have seemed that the mist from the bowl had went into his eyes as he wiped them while reaching for a handkerchief. After he had blown his nose, he cleared his throat. Time to stop whining like a little baby, he thought as he slowly walked to place the Pensieve back and clean up for bed.