Cold

It was midnight and Remus Lupin was sitting in his tattered brown recliner. He could not believe what had happened earlier in the night. He could not believe that Albus Dumbledore was dead at Severus Snape's hand. Had Severus really planned on killing Albus? Had Severus really betrayed them all? Had Tonks really told her feelings to everyone in the Hospital Wing? Had the night even been real?

Remus sighed and looked around his rather small living room. The moving wizarding photos of his past smiled and waved at him. He hardly felt like smiling back at them, but he did pause in his musing to look them over. Over his rarely used fireplace, there were three pictures on the mantle. He crossed the room to study them. It had been months since he had last looked at the faces he treasured.

On the farthest to the right, was the picture from his last days as a student at Hogwarts. James was hugging Lily tightly, one side of his face buried in her long red hair. Lily was laughing at something James was whispering in her ear, her emerald eyes so happy. He stood in the middle laughing at the antics of Sirius on his other side. Sirius was reenacting something, but Remus couldn't remember what. It was such a good photo of happier times.

Next came the picture of the Order. The photograph was older, more battered, and more full of people. The final picture was the newly updated Order photo. It had been taken about a month before. Remus glared quickly in Severus's direction before he caught sight of a certain mousy-haired woman, whose hair should have been changing colors from bight pink to purple and back again.

Looking back at me I see that I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you

Remus felt his heart lurch. The conversation they had in the hospital wing earlier that night was still so fresh in his mind. He could still hear her hurt as she told him once more what she'd been saying all along. "But I don't care either, I don't care! I've told you a million times..."

Didn't she know how much self control it had taken to counter-tell her a million times that he was too old, too poor, too dangerous? Ever since they had started working together in the Order, he'd thought of her. Just about every second he wasn't around her, he thought of her. There was something so intriguing about her that he wanted nothing more but to be with her. He wanted nothing more than to tell her he felt the same way she did. But when he was around her, all the reasons why he couldn't would come to his mind, and he would tell her no.

I'm always wrapped up in things I cannot win
You are the antidote that gets me by
Something strong like a drug that gets me high

Each month during his transformations from man to werewolf, he would know he was damned. There was not a thing anyone could do to help him. Except for her. Each month on the night of the full moon, Tonks would be there to make sure he had eaten enough, taken his Wolfsbane potion, and had a spare set of clothes for the next morning. And every morning after the transformation, she would be waiting for him. A halfway decent breakfast ready. She did have a problem with household charms, after all.

But just knowing she was there for him, helping him, did more for him than any potion he'd tried to ease the pain. She helped him and accepted him for being him. It gave him a feeling but hope that got him through, but also a feeling of dread because he knew the more he started feeling for her, the harder it would be to tell her that they couldn't be together.

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold

He came to the conclusion long ago, when he first felt the stirrings inside his own heart that he was doomed to care for her from afar. He knew he could not step over the boundaries from friend to lover. There was too much involved.

He knew with him being a werewolf, there was no way he could get close to her. What if he could not get the Wolfsbane? What if he bit her? If he were to harm her in any way, then he would for regret it for the rest of his life. So no, he would love from afar.

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold to you

Not a day went by that he didn't wish he could change who he was. Didn't wish that he could turn back the hands of time and undo what Greyback had done to him. He would change himself if he could, but it wasn't possible. Wizards had been trying for centuries with no luck.

It wasn't a picnic being a werewolf. When you fell in love, you had to force yourself to stay alone because of what you could do to the one you love. How you had to act in order to get the message across. Remus thought he'd probably mastered all the ways of saying the word "no" to Tonks. Not that he was proud of it, but it was something he just had to do.

I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again

Yes, he wished he could take back all the times he'd turned her down, but he was a werewolf. Why couldn't she understand that?

Remus sighed, studying the look on Tonk's face in the picture. She was casting glances at his picture self, wishing he would love her back. If only he weren't a werewolf. If only he was a typical man. If only...but it did no good to dream. He was a werewolf. There was not changing that fact.

Cause now I can't see
You are the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high

They had avoided each other for a while unless it was an Order Meeting. Tonight being the exception, an attack on Hogwarts required them to work with one another to help. He hadn't realized until he had seen her sad face just how much he missed not having her around. She hadn't been there for the last few of his transformations. Mind you, no one really had been there for him. Living with Greyback and his gang was not the most pleasant place to be.

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold
I never meant to be so cold

He'd wanted to hug her the moment he'd seen her. But once again, his mind protested. He was too old for her. He had no money to support her with. He was too dangerous for her. There were too many complications. And so, he went about his way to the Hospital Wing to see Bill and Harry, merely giving her a nod and a simple "Hi Tonks."

I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really wanted you to go
So many things that you shouldn't have known
I guess for me there's just no hope
I never meant to be so cold

Then when Fleur got all huffy with Molly about how she would still love Bill even if he was bitten, that's when Tonks lost it. That's when she told him in front of everyone what she felt. Hoping to convince him that since he had an example of how love didn't care about things like being a werewolf right in front of him that he might say yes, just this once.

"You see! She still wants to marry him, even though he's been bitten! She doesn't care!" Tonks cried to him, wanting him to know that his condition was not going to stop the way she felt. Wanting him to know that if Fleur and Bill could work through it, so could they.

He had found himself telling her it was different. That the two circumstances were completely unrelated. Bill wouldn't have to deal with the same things he had been dealing with all his life. Fleur wouldn't have to deal with the same things Tonks would deal with if she got her way, which she couldn't. He wouldn't let her get close to him, to see all the emotions he kept locked inside of him. He couldn't hurt her by letting her in. It was safer for the both of them if they remained merely friends.

"But I don't care either, I don't care! I've told you a million times..." Tonks tried once more to get her point across.

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am

"And I've told you a million times, that I am too old for you, too poor...too dangerous....." he had argued.

Then Molly had taken up for Tonks. "I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this Remus."

I never meant to be so cold

He countered with, "I'm not being ridiculous. Tonks deserves somebody young and whole."

"But she wants you," Arthur had said gesturing to Bill. "And after all, Remus, young and whole men do not necessarily remain so."

I never meant to be so cold

He had nearly lost it then. He had almost admitted that Arthur was right. Instead he stumbled out some lame excuse that the timing was ill conceived. Albus had just passed away, after all. But then Minerva said, "Dumbledore would have been happier than anybody to think that there was a little more love in the world."

He really did almost lose it then. If Hagrid hadn't come in almost as soon as her words were past her lips, he was almost certain he would have.

Later in the evening, just as he was leaving for his flat, Tonks had come up to him and asked him if they could talk once more. He had agreed then went to his flat. And since then, the memories had threatened to overtake him.

The result of his musings was that, yes he loved Tonks, but no, he couldn't be with her. He didn't want to hurt her. Couldn't bear to hurt her. And he would tell her that, the moment she came to his flat.

He returned to his recliner, his eyes still focused on the Order photo with Tonks. He would make her understand that there were better wizards out there for her.

A rather strange "cra-crack!" sounded and Tonks was standing in his living room. Remus couldn't believe she'd made it so soon. "Tonks," he started to say, standing up from his seat, but was interrupted.

In one swift motion, Tonks had crossed the room and placed her index finger over his lips. She took in a deep breath and then began her argument. "No Remus!" she said forcibly. "I won't listen to your excuses. I know you care about me! I know the only reason you won't show it is because you think I care about one night every full moon! Well I don't! I don't care that you're a werewolf! I don't care! I love you Remus! I love you for who you are! All of who you are! There will be risks, but we'll handle it! We have so far!"

He made a motion to move her away from him, but she countered it. And before he really knew what had happened, she had moved her hand from his lips to the back of his neck and had lowered his lips to hers.

What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am

In an instant, every emotion he had been so carefully hiding deep inside himself came rushing past his barriers and poured forth into their kiss. All the passion he'd been holding inside, all the longing, all the love, all the trust, everything went into that one kiss. He did want to be with Tonks, he always had, but there were so many risks. He pulled away suddenly and whispered, "Tonks...I can't. I can't hurt you. I can't let the monster inside me hurt you."

Tears threatening her presently brown eyes, she replied, "Shouldn't that be for me to decide? I love all of you Remus, even your wolf-side. Why should you let the wolf in you deny you what you truly want? Especially when I know what I'm getting into?"

I never meant to be so cold

Remus tried once more. "But what if I don't get the wolfsbane? This is a war, you know. What if I can't get it and I hurt you?"

"We don't know what will happen tomorrow Remus. Dumbledore's death only goes to prove that. We'll cross that barrier if it occurs. I promise you that Dumbledore would be happier knowing you stopped being so thickheaded and were happy for once. Be happy Remus. Kiss me. Love me. Be with me."

I never meant to be so cold

This time, when Tonks applied a slight pressure to the back of his neck, Remus didn't argue or fight it. He simply reacted. This was what he'd been wanting all along. And she did have a point. He could picture the twinkle in Albus's eyes and the small smile he wore when people finally realized he was right. Remus smiled as he kissed Tonks and knew that it wasn't going to be easy. But he was going to do what he wanted for once. He was going to be with Tonks. And if things got difficult down the line, she'd be right there beside him. She hadn't left him so far and he knew as he felt her own love in her kiss, that she never would.