My Friend, My Love

My Friend, My Love

I remember the day I first saw you. I didn't see your beauty at first. I was more focused on your bushy brown hair and overly large front teeth. Even after I was over my initial shock of your overly bossy demeanor and know-it-all attitude, I still only viewed you as a friend. And what friends we were.

Looking back on the days we shared, I still comprehend how we didn't end up killing ourselves. I'm still astounded at how we still managed to somehow survive all the dangers we faced when we were kids. But clearly, we didn't really have much of a true childhood at Hogwarts, did we?

There was always some adventure we were forced to go on that forced the barrier between childhood and adulthood even more closely. It wasn't hard to gain some maturity with each near-death experience we all went through. I, of course, wanted nothing more than to enjoy myself, but the weight of the world was always there to remind me that I couldn't.

You, on the other hand, with your love of books and startling intelligence embraced the opportunities you were faced with. I'm not saying you enjoyed all those times we had to just try and survive. I just mean that you loved the fact that with each adventure we faced, you gained more knowledge you so deeply craved.

I didn't always understand it, but I did know that no matter what happened, you'd be there for me. And you were. For all six of our years at Hogwarts you never left me. And even though none of us really wanted to go hunt down the most evil wizard of all time, we all stuck together. I couldn't believe that we all managed to keep our sanity while knowing that we could die at any moment.

You were the one who reminded us that even with Dumbledore's death, we could still make it. Using your extensive knowledge, you helped us all train for what we knew was drawing steadily closer. We practiced daily, learning spells that only you knew, and when we had finally ran out of spells to learn, you helped us all work on trying to become an Animagus.

I can't tell you exactly which moment it was that I realized that you were beautiful. It might have been the time you pulled a hair out of your eyes and tucked it behind your ear. It might have been the time you studied the Animagus book intently, chewing slightly on your lower lip. It might have been the time your eyes locked with mine after I'd mastered a fairly difficult hex and showed only the purest ray of happiness I'd ever seen.

I can't tell you when I realized you were beautiful, but I can tell you that when I realized it, I couldn't take my eyes off of you. Suddenly, I realized that your hair wasn't near as frizzy, but had somehow managed to tone down into beautiful waves. Your eyes seemed to be open to the world, and what eyes they were. I'd never seen such amazing eyes before. They saw everything and made me want to simply drown in their depths. I loved looking at your eyes. I loved your smile too, only because your perfect smile was accompanied by the most beautiful lips. I longed to kiss them every day when we were on our quest.

But I didn't. I knew we had a mission to complete and things like my realized feelings could wait. And what feelings they were! I couldn't believe how suddenly all I wanted was to be by your side. I longed to hold you in my arms and tell you just how wonderful you were.

And you were wonderful. It was amazing to see you master your Animagus transformation in only six weeks. Granted, you'd been studying for it since your fifth year, but still. It was impressive, especially since the rest of us took much long to master it.

Your animagus was damn useful too. I'd always imagined you'd be an owl because they are typically associated with learning, and I was right. You were a Barn Owl that flew with grace (once you mastered it, that is). You were the only one of us who could get messages to families and friends. You were the one who brought us news of the real world.

When the rest of us finally managed a transformation, we made quite a funny pack of animals. There was the fierce lion, the crafty (but not so crafty in real life) red fox, and the wise owl. Not that we traveled in our animal forms often, but it came in damn handy at times.

It's actually the thing that helped us win the whole damn war. The Death Eaters and their pathetic leader didn't know what hit them the morning the lion let our a ferocious roar and pounced on the camp while the fox weaved through the crowds and nipped at the heals of every man. You, as the fastest of us, were the one to get details to the Order members.

Afterward when it was all over for good, we all allowed the Order to take control and get us to safety. For what reason, I'm still not sure, but we were all too tired to care. Weeks later, when the reporters had finally ceased hounding us, it still seamed like a dream. I kept telling myself that it was all over, but it was still so unbelievable. How was it that three teenagers had conquered the most powerful dark wizard?

As the time passed, I grew to accept the truth that he would never hang over our heads ever again. It was all over, and we could all move on with our lives. What a wonderful feeling it was.

With each day that passed I grew to accept the new freedom more. I kept telling myself that since there was no more possible death hanging over our heads anymore, I could finally tell you of my long harbored feelings of love for you. And then the reality would hit me like a bludger. You'd been in a coma since the final battle. No one was really sure what curse Malfoy hit you with, but whatever it was had been powerful. You hadn't stirred once since you fell that day. I considered it a low blow of Malfoy. He was trying to evade being captured by the Aurors since his master had fallen only minutes before. You tried to stop him, but he got to you first. I don't know why he didn't kill you, but I'm glad he didn't. I'm also glad that he was caught not two seconds later.

It was sheer torture to sit there in the hospital wing and watch you. You seemed just like when you'd been petrified in our second year. You never moved and you never made a sound. It was a comfort to see you breathing, but it wasn't the same. I was reassured constantly that as long as you were breathing you were fighting whatever it was that Malfoy did to you. And we'll never know what that was because he took his life the second they locked him up in Azkaban.

I stayed with you every day while you slept. It wasn't fair. I wanted you to wake up and tell me how glad you were to see me or harp on me to start studying some new spell. But you didn't. You never did.

It wasn't until three months had passed that the Order finally figured out what spell had hit you. By the time they realized it, our time to save you had run out. Your breathing grew more and more shallow with every new sunrise. You grew pale and thin. No amount of nourishment you got made any difference. The hard truth hit us all as we desperately tried to save your life somehow.

Everything we tried failed. If anything, all we managed to do was zap the life out of you more quickly. It was horrible to know that there was nothing I, or anyone else, could do for you. It made me realize that even though we had been on a mission, I should have told you sooner. I should have let you know that I loved you.

One day I finally gathered my courage and took you hand in mine. I pressed my lips lightly to yours and told you how much I loved you. I told you how afraid I'd been of your rejection. I told you how I loved your animagus form. I told you how even though you loved to read nonstop, I loved you anyway. How could I not when you were such an amazing person?

For a moment I thought you'd heard me and somehow managed to squeeze my hand in return. I was ecstatic. You had moved! Maybe there was hope for you yet. But even as the thought passed through my mind, I knew it couldn't be. I had imagined the entire thing.

Every day that I came back I told you of my love and how great of a person you were. And everyday I had to watch as you grew weaker and weaker. I knew it was futile to hope, but I did anyway. I prayed for a miracle each night and morning.

Your funeral was small but lovely. Just about everyone you truly cared about was there. All the order and your friends from school came to pay their respects to you. McGonagall gave the eulogy, knowing that us boys would never be able to keep our composure.

It was probably the hardest thing any of us had ever done, but we all managed to survive the day. We hated the fact that you were gone, but we were glad you had finally stopped suffering.

I guess you could say we were all lost after you were gone. I halfway expected you to wake up in the middle of the funeral and say, "It's ok guys! I'm alive!" but you never did. And it felt like my entire heart was ripped out and buried right there with you after the funeral was over.

I still came to visit you though. I went at least twice a week for the first few months, but I've slowly gone down to once every other week. It's hard to stop myself from going every week, but I realize that you wouldn't want me to dwell on your death so much. I knew you'd want me to move on. And I am slowly getting there. I don't think I'll ever be the same, but I'm getting better.

I just wanted to let you know one more time that I truly do love you and that I'm sorry I never told you before it was too late. I'm sorry this happened to you and that I couldn't save you. I wish I could have saved you, but I can't go back and change time.

I love you Hermione and I always will. I loved you first as my friend but I shall always think of you as the love of my life. You were my friend, my love.