Private Reflections

Private Reflections

The sound of the doorbell brought a string of muttering from Vernon Dursley, who had just sat in his favorite chair, and opened the evening newspaper. Normally, Petunia would have answered the door and dealt with it all, but she had claimed to have a headache during dinner, and had gone upstairs for a lie-down. Didn't these damn kids see that their porch light was not on? Didn't they understand that they didn't hold with this whole trick-or-treat nonsense? Vernon suspected that Petunia's headache had been brought on by the holiday that was most closely associated with.... with... magic. He didn't like to think about it, much less see children dressed up in costumes, pretending to be like... them.

Chasing the group of children off of his doorstep with a few well-chosen words, he made sure that all of the lights in the rooms that faced the front of the house were turned off, so that it would appear that they weren't home. If he didn't fear the doorbell would disturb Petunia's rest, he wouldn't bother answering the door at all. He went back to his paper and settled in with a glass of brandy at his side. It would be another quiet night, if he was lucky.

Upstairs, Petunia closed her bedroom door, but didn't risk locking it. It would look suspicious to Vernon if he should come to check on her and find the door locked. She knew his habits well by now, though, and knew that he would do his best to leave her undisturbed. He was a predictable soul, and like most men, had no idea what to do for a woman who didn't feel well; still, he had thoughtfully offered to make her some tea. She had declined and retreated to the bedroom, fairly certain that she would be left alone.

As quietly as she could manage, she opened the closet door and took down a box from the high shelf above the neatly hanging clothes marked "Sewing." She knew that neither Vernon, nor Dudley would ever be curious enough to investigate a box that was labeled in such a way. The box had sat in the same spot for more than 15 years, and was only taken down once a year: October 31^st. Taking the box over to the bed, Petunia carefully lifted the cardboard lid and set it aside. She sat down beside the box, and with a deep breath to fortify her, looked inside.

"Oh." She sighed shakily.

There, on the very top of a stack of parchment, was a photograph. A thirteen-year-old Lily looked back at her from within the photo, smiling and waving at the unseen photographer, with a background that looked like a lake and a forest not far behind her. She was wearing the black robes that were part of her school uniform, with a patch on the front of a gold lion on a red field. There was a stack of books sitting beside her, and one open in her lap. The hand moved jauntily in the photo, and gave Petunia a strange lump in her throat and an uncomfortable feeling in the pit of her stomach. She gingerly picked up the photo, and placed in facedown in the lid of the box, lest Vernon come in unexpectedly and see it.

The letters within were folded and arranged neatly in the order that Petunia had received them so many years ago. She reached into the box and retrieved one at random, careful to turn the one behind it sideways, so that the missing one's place would not be lost. With slightly trembling hands, she unfolded the parchment and began to read.

Dear Petunia,

I know how much you hate getting letters by owl, so I'm having one of the Professors post this for me at the muggle post office in London when he goes there this weekend. I was sorry that you couldn't be there when I left for school this year. I know that you don't like to come to the train station with me and mum and dad, but it always meant a lot to me to have you there. I hope that you enjoyed your holiday with Yvonne and her family and have settled into university life well. I know mum and dad are very proud of you, and so am I.

I was made a prefect this year, though mum and dad might have already told you this. It's harder than I thought it would be, but it is kind of a big honor to be chosen. I thought that Shelly Erickson was going to get the badge, and was a bit surprised when the letter was delivered to me. Remus Lupin is the other prefect in Gryffindor house, and he's pretty nice. I had a bit of a crush on him last, year, but he turned me down (nicely) when I asked him to spend one of the Hogsmeade visits with me. I hope that he doesn't feel awkward around me now because of it. I have a feeling he turned me down because one of his best friends likes me and is always asking me out. As if I would go on a date with him! He's a bit of a bully, and arrogant with it.

This is an important year for me here at Hogwarts. We take very important exams at the end of the year called O.W.L.s, and the professors have really been piling on the work, even though we've only been back a few weeks. This is the year I'm supposed to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life! I know that you don't approve of, and aren't comfortable with "my world" or the direction my life has been taking, so I won't ask your advice or opinion, but I wish that we could just be sisters sometimes, and forget everything else.

I don't know how often we'll see each other now that you're at university, and I'm here at Hogwarts, then will most likely live and work within the community that I am being trained for. I guess I just want you to know that I love you, and you will always be my sister, no matter what paths we follow in life.

With love,

Lily

Petunia re-folded the letter, and placed it, and the one behind it carefully back in their places and picked up another. She paused to listen carefully for any sign of movement in the house, but heard none. She unfolded the next letter.

Dear Petunia,

Well, I know that I said in all of my other letters that I wouldn't, but I have finally agreed to meet James and spend the next trip into Hogsmeade with him. He promised that Sirius, Remus and Peter wouldn't be tagging along, so I'm hoping it will be fine. It wouldn't do for the Head Boy and Girl to be caught up in any of the pranks those boys normally get up to in Hogsmeade. I am looking forward to the distraction. Our final year here at school is the hardest, and I feel like my whole future is hinged upon how well I do on my end of year exams (N.E.W.T.s). My mind hasn't been on my studies as much as they should be.

I know how busy you are now that you and Vernon are engaged, and you are finishing school yourself this year. I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me this past summer. I know I've been a useless burden on you now that mum and dad are gone. I still miss them so much! I just can't believe they are gone. I hope that you have someone you can talk to, like Vernon or a friend, to help you when you feel sad. James has been really sweet to me, and a good listener when I feel like I need to talk about it. I think that's why I've agreed to go out with him. He's been a completely different boy this year, and seems to have figured out that he can't get through life being a jokester and a pest.

I also wanted to let you know that I will plan on staying at school over the holidays this year, so that you won't have still more worries about what to do with me. With the house sold, there really isn't any way for us to spend them together anyway. I hope that will ease your mind some, and that you will write back to me this time. You are the only family I have left, and would hate to have you completely gone from my life. I will have this posted by muggle mail as soon as possible.

Love, Your Sister,

Lily

Petunia sighed heavily and replaced the letter. She hadn't written back. She hadn't seen the point. How many letters had she sent over the years, posted to one of her school friends with "muggle" parents, who would send it on by owl? All of the letters that had pleaded with her sister to abandon the magical world and come home had been laughed off as impossible. Lily had thought that it was a joke to think that she could give up her newfound powers and live 'normally.'

Petunia had put forth arguments about 'proper' education, and the fact that in the 'real' world, there were no such things as Dementors, or Death Eaters or...or...or the Dark Mark, whatever that was. Petunia had been afraid for her sister, even though they had never been particularly close, to no avail. And now, so many years later, she had been proven right. If only Lily had listened to her older sister's counsel.

The sound of the creaky stair alerted Petunia that Vernon was coming to check on her. A glance at the clock beside the bed told her that she had been alone with her thoughts for over two hours. As quickly as she could manage, she replaced the photo on top of the letters, and closed the lid. On stealthy feet, she returned the box to its usual place in the closet, where it would rest, undisturbed (except for dusting) for another year. She hastened to lie on the bed and close her eyes before the doorknob began to turn.

"Petunia, dear?" Vernon ventured quietly, opening the door and seeing that her cheeks were tearstained. "Does hurt that badly? Should I get you some pain relievers?"

"Thank you, dear," Petunia answered, surprised to find her eyes were wet, "I think perhaps that would help."

It seemed she really did have a headache after all.