Hunting For The Sun

CHAPTER FOUR

Hello to You, My Friend

I remember those days as clearly as crystal. I would awaken with the sun pouring golden over the winter city, and sit by my window to watch the people begin to mill about. I would brush my hair as I listened to the bells in the tower under which my room was positioned. I would dress in my black robes of betrayal and deceit as a knock came to my door, and breakfast was brought to me on a silver tray. I would go down into the library, or into the city to shop. I would return and often converse with Draco before lunch in the massive marble luncheon hall. I would then learn to use magic, and then eat grand meals in the ballroom. I would listen to proclamations of victory in various places with a sparkling in my heart. I would go to my warm soft bed and sleep through vivid visions of my friends dying and then awaken with the sun pouring golden over the winter city, and sit by my window to watch the people mill about.

It went on for about two weeks, and there was no mention of the Diagon rebels. Draco was letting me bide my time until I felt ready to face them. He said that he had told no one where they were yet, and wouldn´t until I would speak with them. He did say, however, that unless I spoke to them before New Year, I would die as he had said before.

The nature of his cruelty was so profound yet so beautiful, like a knife with a blade of diamond and a hilt of jewels. Lethal beauty, it summed him up like nothing else. He would speak of murder and cold-hearted torture, massacre in a voice like dark brown silk. It flowed over my mind like warm water, and I knew I would do anything he told me to in an instant. I was frightened of the power he had over me, and I was frustrated by it. He clearly knew that I loved him, and he played it to his advantage without ever playing it at all. I could see the light glinting off the jewels in his hilt as he made a subtle undercut at me, but I relished it. The fact that he thought about me at all made me think that he might have cared. I didn´t care if he plotted how to kill me as he lay n his bed at night, as long as he thought about me.

I would have done anything for him, and he used that. I became a kind of decoration. Although I awoke in one of the best rooms and had breakfast brought to me on a silver tray, I still poured drinks and handed around nibbles at his private meetings. All the heads of the Death Eaters everywhere gathered, and I would stand behind Draco, answering every nod with a glass of red wine. I was, deep down, insulted that he dared to use me as a servant, but if I spoke out against it he would give me one of those mild nods, and say blandly `Well please don´t feel that you have to´, and I wouldn´t see him for that extra hour every few nights.

It was one of those golden mornings, but this one was slanted through icy windowpanes, and light glowed off snow settled on the stone ledge outside. I was brushing my hair, and watching two figures crawl over a rooftop back to the bridge. The knock came, although it was slightly earlier. I tightened my blue silk dressing gown around me and went to answer the door.

`Breakfast?´ Malfoy smiled, holding out a bottle of wine and two glasses.

I gave a little yelp of shock, and pulled my dressing gown still tighter.

`You know, that´s a little pointless, as it only serves to make the fabric cling to your outline even tighter,´ he said in his voice that still makes me think of chocolate. There was no sexual suggestion in that, and he didn´t even look at me. It seemed to be a sort of kind brotherly thing to tell someone, like a friend saying when you have toilet paper stuck to your shoe.

`Sorry. How can I help you?´ I asked, stepping aside to let him into my room.

`Oh, I just wanted to have a word with you about that little meeting you have to attend,´ he said, giving the bridge a pointed look through my window.

`Okay,´ I said. `Um, please sit down.´

He sat regally on my window seat, and I excused myself into the bathroom to put my clothes on.

`Nice view you´ve got up here,´ he commented lightly, wiping a little hole in the frost to look out.

`I like it. And thanks, by the way,´ I said, speaking louder so that he could hear me through the door.

`Oh, no problem. You´re a pretty important and useful minion, really.´ I could hear the little chuckle in his voice, and wished the goosebumps weren´t rising on my arms.

`I don´t know what you mean,´ I said blandly, pulling a white shirt on and buttoning it up.

`Well, if you hadn´t told me where they were, I would have had to torture the information out of someone.´

`True enough,´ I said, buttoning up my jeans and flicking my hair again before emerging.

`You´re far too skinny, you know,´ he said critically, examining me. Once again, there was no suggestion in that, much to my regret.

`I didn´t exactly get much to eat for the first seventeen years of my seventeen year life,´ I told him.

`How´s your magic coming on?´ he asked, changing the subject completely as he poured out a glass of wine for each of us.

`Fine. Isn´t it a bit early for that?´ I asked, sitting opposite him and nodding at the glasses.

`What time is it?´ he asked, looking around.

`Seven in the morning.´

`Well, If you think about it, yesterday, now was twenty four hours away, and seeing as there are only twenty four hours in a day, I´d say it was late, rather than early, and therefore a perfect time to drink wine.´ He held out my glass to me, and I took it, laughing. I hoped it would be a merry little tinkle of a laugh, but probably came out as a snorting guffaw, now I think about it.

`So, your task?´ he said finally, peering at me over the rim of his glass.

`My task. I don´t know. I suppose I could do it today,´ I squirmed.

`I don´t want to force you, but I´ll have to kill you if you don´t do it,´ he reminded me pleasantly.

`That´s nice,´ I said wryly. `I´ll do it today, if you can get me that escort.´ I really didn´t want to do it. I felt my throat tighten, and my eyes began to prickle.

`Rae?´ Malfoy said solicitously. `Rae, are you alright?´ He put down his wineglass on the floor and shifted over to my end of the window seat. I nodded, then shook my head, then nodded, my face screwing up like a paper bag. `Rae, don´t cry,´ he instructed, but softly. He put an arm around my shoulders, and gently pulled my head down until it rested against his chest. Then he wrapped his arms around my back and rocked backwards and forwards slightly. `Please don´t cry, I don´t know how to deal with crying girls.´

I could feel his steady heartbeat against my cheek, and his lime-alcohol-warmth smell filled my head with sparkles. One of his hands rubbed my back and his shirt was silky against my face. It only made me cry more. I was in total despair. I didn´t know what to do. I had betrayed all of my friends, and fallen in love with a man who would never love me. Wow, great move, Rae.

What had confused me so much about Malfoy was that it was so fast. I loved him almost the moment I laid eyes on him. He was so genuine with me. He never filtered it down to make things easier for me. He always told me the truth, no matter what it was or what he had told someone else. I loved him, and I still do. I love him a lot, and I don´t think that´ll ever change. Black or white, rain or sun, I will always love Draco. I knew that the moment I met him.

I snorted and dribbled, but he didn´t seem to mind. He picked up my chin in one hand, and peered into my bleary eyes. `Oh dear,´ he said, wiping my face with a thumb. `Oh, you´ve made a mess of that.´ He laughed slightly. `Don´t worry. I´m the only one who´ll see you.´

That was why I was so bloody embarrassed anyway, stupid.

`Please don´t make me do this,´ I whispered.

`I can´t make you, but you have to understand what you´ve done.´

That was the moment that I knew, right or wrong, he was horrible. I had given him a priceless piece of information, and he was making me pay for it. Somehow, though, it seemed to make sense when it came from him. I did have to understand what I´d done, but I didn´t want to be prompted by him.

`What about all the things you´ve done?´ I cried, pushing him away. He fell back against the wall, looking slightly surprised. He stayed there, slumped against the honey-stone, as though inviting me to explain. His hair straggled over his face, and a slight trickle of blood ran down his cheekbone. I didn´t realise how hard I had shoved him.

`You tell me that I have to understand what I have done? What about you? All these people you killed, just because they didn´t believe what you believe! I hardly think that you can justify...´

`I do understand it,´ he said quietly. `I do understand it because I make no attempt to excuse myself. I know what I´m doing. It´s all planned out specifically. I understand every process involved. You however are a law unto yourself. You live for no one, and give no one anything but pain. You don´t understand that, because you can´t see it. You won´t let yourself see it.´

`There´s nothing to understand!´ I snapped. `Nothing! I did nothing! You forced me!´

`In what way?´ he said, shifting into a sitting position and flicking a hand angrily at the blood on his face.

`You...´

But he didn´t, did he? I knew that. His severe face broke into a sneering smile of triumph, tilted forwards making his eyes shadowed. He looked like some kind of maniac.

I snapped my mouth closed a few times before grabbing a cloak from my bedpost and running for it. He made no move to follow me. I hadn´t really expected him to. I tore down the corridor, wrapping my cloak around me as I went. I didn´t cry. I was angry. I slammed against the great door, probably spraining my wrist as I did so, but I didn´t notice. My immediate reaction was to run for the bridge.

Then I skidded to a halt. They would realise. They would work it all out when they saw me in these clothes, and there was no way I could hide my dark mark from them. They would be raided, because I had told Malfoy how to get in, and if I was there I would be captured and killed. I had a month to get far enough away that I wouldn´t be found. After a month, it would be New Year and I would be killed. I knew that Malfoy would keep his promise. I had to go to the bank first, and get out all the money I had been given. Then I could run to Hogwarts, and lie my way out.

Anyway I chose to play it, I had to lay my card quickly. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me to the bank and stormed in. I demanded all my money, and got it in very short order. I shrank it to all fit into my pocket in a pouch, and went out.

There had been a station somewhere, and I recalled seeing the massive engines pulling in with all their steam billowing. Nike and I had gone down there after our rounds to sit on the corrugated iron roof and watch the morning delivery trains roar in. The thing was, I couldn´t have found it from the ground. I only knew how to get there on the rooftops. I tried to get a mental map of the city. I began walking down streets that I had never seen from this angle before, and finally realised how big the city actually was. I was totally lost in half an hour, and it was already getting cold. Then a howling wind started up, and I was still searching. There was a familiar smell in the air, and my instinct filled me with fear at that point. Snow.

I could smell it on the air. It meant terror for all of us, because now the snows always lasted for a month, and at least two died every winter. I had been set as the next to go last year, and had been very lucky to make it. I pulled the hood of my cloak up and began to run instead of jog. I encountered no people down the whole of the street, and was soon lost in a blizzard of white flecks. All the walls seemed grey, and there was no way for me to tell if I was just walking around in a little circle. I screamed in frustration, and fell to my knees.

The cold shot up the nerves in my legs immediately. I cried out, a louder burst in a long wailing shriek. I would be found, and killed for hitting Malfoy. They would make it as painful as they could.

Then I felt a hand on my shoulder. I spun, and saw a tall grey shape looming over me. I leaped to my feet and started to run, but the hand held on and I got nowhere.

`Rae.´

`Get off me!´

`Rae.´

`Leave me alone!´

`RAE!´

I found myself twisted around and slammed up against whoever held me captive. A pair of cold lips closed down over my own, and my nose was pressed into a smooth, firm cheekbone. I gasped breaths through my nose for a while, and accidentally caught a familiar tangy smell, like alcohol and lime juice.

`Why are you running, Rae?´ Draco said, removing his lips but keeping his forehead leaning on my own.

`You´ll kill me,´ I said, not really registering.

`I can´t kill someone who doesn´t understand why they´re dying,´ he told me. I felt oddly as though I was being told off. I didn´t know why. I could feel his breath all hot against my cheek, and I could barely keep myself from melting into his arms.

`I do understand,´ I said defensively.

`Do you want to die?´

`No.´

`Then stay how you are. I like you. I don´t want to hurt you.´

I wanted to yell but you already have! but I couldn´t bring myself to do it. If he was forgiving me, then it was enough. I cursed myself for caring.

`Why are you here?´ I asked him.

`I thought you´d storm off in a girly tantrum and come back. I waited for you for two hours.´ Had I been gone that long? He cared enough to wait? He thought I had a girly tantrum? `I got worried after a while, so I came after you.´

`Thanks,´ I said.

`That´s okay. You´re my friend.´

Do you threaten to kill your friends then kiss them in the snow? I didn´t think that was standard procedure. I wanted to yell at him, hit him, then kiss him again and again.

`Do you do this to your friends?´ I yelled, surprising even myself. He pulled his head back and gave me an odd sort of lopsided smile.

`You´re a very special friend,´ he answered sincerely.

`Don´t you give me that bollocks!´ I snapped, shoving him away again, but succeeding only in pushing myself off balance. `What do you think I am?´

`I think you´re a girl with a puffed up opinion of herself, a girl who thinks that every man she meets must fall in love her because she´s moving around on two legs. We´re not that fucking desperate,´ he spat nastily. `You´re worthless. You mean nothing. You´re easily impressionable. You know what I mean by that? I mean you´re cheap. You come in mail order, free delivery. No one wants cheap meat.´ He gave me a last cutting look, and stalked away into the snow, his grey wool overcoat blending into the shadows.

`You can bloody take it and stick it up your arse, if there´s room for it to get past your head, that is!´ I bellowed, screwing up my eyes as tears scorched a pathway down my cheek. I fell to my knees again, sobbing brokenly. `Malfoy! I´m sorry I ever loved you!´ I screamed, not caring whether or not he heard. It was good just to hear the words come from my mouth, even if I didn´t mean them. My breath came in puffs of steam, and I could actually see the heat rising off my face. My tears froze or evaporated into the winter half-dark, but what they meant burned on inside me.

He said I was cheap. He said I was easy meat. I wasn´t. It was hardly my fault that I loved him, the tart. I never meant to go with Harry. I was going to show Harry where the Death Eater sector was, not go in there. It was all a horrible mistake, designed to make my life go all wrong. I had been comfy and safe, and now I was sitting in the snow, rejected by all, betraying my friends, with nowhere left to go to.

Except Hogwarts. That was still open for me. It was the only place left.

But how could I get past what I had done?