A Mother's Love

A Mother's Heart Chapter One

On the last night before taking the Hogwarts Express back to London, Lily escaped her sister and her fiancé and retreated to her room. There, she found a large snowy owl waiting patiently on her scarlet quilt.

"Calypso," Lily grinned, immediately recognizing the owl the Fletchers had bought Narcissa when she had been made prefect. She untied the crisp parchment from her leg, gave her a treat and sent her on her way.

Lily-

     I have returned to Hogwarts early. The visit did not go as planned. Do not fret, I'm fine, but I desperately need to talk to you when you return. Oh, Lily, what am I to do?

-Narcissa

Lily grimaced. She could only imagine what had happened. It must have been bad--Narcissa's letters were never written like this. Lily grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill and began writing.

Narcissa-

     I only hope that this reaches before I do. Don't worry, whatever it is we can work it out. Nothing is ever as bad as it looks at first.

Love always, Lily

* * *

"You don't understand James - her letter was so sad," Lily argued. "Something must have happened over the holidays."

"What could have happened?" James asked in exasperation. "Cissy said she was staying at school for the holidays."

Lily looked away guiltily. Only she knew that Narcissa had even left the castle.

"Lil, do you know something we don't?" Remus asked from across the compartment. He put down his book and looked at her piercingly. "What has happened to her?"

"She wouldn't say," Lily replied, softly. "She went to Malfoy Manner. Lucius sent for her."

"Well, it can't have been that bad," Peter concluded. "Etienne must have been there."

Lily sighed. "No, he was in London for the holidays."

"Why didn't she tell any of us?" Sirius demanded. "One of us would have gone with her."

"I tried to tell her that, but Lucius never would have let you two in the house. The rumors are probably true," Lily replied, uncomfortably. She sighed, frustrated. "How much longer is this train ride?" she said irritably.

"We'll get there, don't worry," James said, calmly. "I'm sure it's not that bad. Lucius probably gave her some talk about keeping the wizarding world clean and not to consort with Muggles. Cissy has a tendency to border on the dramatic."

Lily shook her head helplessly. Why wouldn't they believe her? Something bad had happened. Something really bad.

* * *

Lily charged into the Great Hall and immediately cornered Narcissa at the table. "What's going on?" she demanded. As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she regretted the sharp tone. Narcissa looked incredibly pale and sickly.

"It's horrible, Lil," Narcissa breathed. "Lucius Malfoy is a monster."

"What did he do? Did he hurt you?" Lily asked gently. Narcissa's eyes welled up with tears. "Why don't we hold off on this conversation until tonight? I'll borrow James' cloak."

Narcissa nodded miserably and proceeded to ignore the pointed and concerned looks from the boys for the rest of the meal.

* * *

Lily led Narcissa to the Charms classroom. Once there, she locked the door and threw off her cloak. "Tell me everything."

Narcissa sat at one of the desks. Lily noted it was the one that Etienne sat at during classes. "Remember when Etienne first asked me to the Yule Ball?" she asked wistfully. "I was so happy."

Lily took a seat next to her. "Cissy, what happened?"

"Lucius Malfoy is a cold and cruel man who barely deserves to breathe," Narcissa said, angrily. She stood up and started pacing. Lily watched her, patiently. "He asked me to marry him."

Lily shot out of her seat. "What?" she demanded. "That-that-" she stopped, flustered. "You said no, right?"

"Of course!" Narcissa said, annoyed Lily had to ask. "I was prepared to walk out until he...until he asked how my parents were."

"Your parents?" Lily asked, confused. "I don't..." her eyes suddenly widened with comprehension. "Oh, no...Cissy..."

"He told me they would be killed if I didn't..." Narcissa took a deep breath. "Oh, Lily, what was I supposed to do? Say no and sign my parents' death warrants? I could never have lived with myself."

"No, of course not." Lily hugged her friend. "So, you said yes."

"I didn't have a choice. Oh, he said horrible things about Etienne. That he was weak and he..." Narcissa couldn't go on. She began crying. Lily stepped away from her.

"Listen, we need to discuss this," Lily said, briskly. Narcissa sniffled and used her robes to wipe her face. "I'll tell the boys tomorrow, and you can tell Etienne and Gus."

Narcissa nodded. They put the Invisibility cloak back on and Lily took out her wand to remove the locking charm she had put on the door. Narcissa rested her hand on Lily's wrist. "Lil, could you not tell Peter. I just...I don't know."

"I won't tell him, I promise," Lily replied.

* * *

"Bloody hell," Sirius swore. He looked guiltily at Professor Kettleburn. They were supposed to paying attention to their clabberts, but were discussing Narcissa's situation instead.

"Where is she?" Remus asked, concerned.

"She's in the hospital wing," Lily replied, feeding her clabbert. "She wasn't feeling well at breakfast so I suggested Peter take her."

"Peter?" James echoed. Lily eyed him.

"Narcissa didn't want Peter to know. This would be the best time to tell you lot. I don't know what we're going to do. We can't let her marry him," Lily hissed. "It would be like committing suicide."

"Well, of course we can't let her marry him," Sirius snapped. Lily glared at him.

"You know what-"

"What about Etienne?" Remus asked, cutting off Lily's sharp retort.

"What about him?" asked James. "She's telling him, right?"

"Yes, today, I hope. She'd have to tell him, wouldn't she?" Lily chanced a glance at Professor Kettleburn. "Kettles is glaring at us. We'd best at least pretend to be working. We don't want lose marks this close to graduation."

"Of course not," Sirius replied, with a grin.

A few minutes passed in silence and Professor Kettleburn walked away from the quartet and went to supervise a group of Hufflepuffs who were looking for a lost clabbert.

"Couldn't Etienne talk to Lucius?" Remus asked, careful to keep his voice low. "I mean, he worships Cissy. I'm sure he could-"

Lily shook her head. "Lucius pays no attention to what Etienne thinks. If he did, he wouldn't be doing this."

"Why doesn't Etienne just grab her and go to France? They could live there," Sirius suggested.

"Lucius would kill her parents anyway," Lily replied. "That's why Cissy agreed, remember?"

"Well, I don't know what we're to do," James said finally, when no one had suggested anything new for a few minutes. "We should probably wait until Cissy tells Etienne. He might have some ideas."

* * *

"I'm not surprised," Narcissa said, miserably at lunch that day. "I couldn't find a way out of it myself."

Remus shook her head. "We're not giving up, Cissy. We can go to Dumbledore or the Ministry. There must be some course of action we can take."

"The second Lucius finds out I've told anyone, he'll kill them, I just know it. I probably shouldn't have even told you," Narcissa replied. She picked up her goblet of pumpkin juice. "I wish I knew how to tell him."

"Don't give up, there might still be a way out of this. I'm sure Etienne will have a suggestion," James said.

"Sorry I'm late," said Peter. He sat down. "I was doing some extra studying for Potions. What's going on?"

"Nothing," Sirius said, quickly. He looked at the others. It was difficult to keep this from Peter-he had been their best friend for seven years, after all. But this was Cissy's problem and hers to tell.

Peter reached for his goblet and noticed the subdued looks on his normally cheerful friends. "Is something wrong?" he asked.

"Nothing," Lily replied. "Has anyone begun studying for the finals? We should set up study schedules."

Sirius groaned. "Can't you ever think of anything but school?" He turned to James. "Go and snog her. Get her mind of school. Maybe she'll let up on us."

This comment prompted Lily to launch into a stream of insults, and the topic of Narcissa's future was momentarily forgotten.

* * *

After dinner that night, Narcissa asked Etienne to take a walk around the lake with her. She thought it would be the best time to break the news. It would be a virtually deserted area this time of night. Most students were in the common rooms, studying for the end-of year exams.

They walked in silence as Narcissa tried in vain to think of a way to tell him the news. He put an arm around her shoulders, which just made her feel worse. What would she do if he stopped loving her? What would he do when she told him? Etienne had a horrid temper; he was liable to throw her in the lake.

"What's on your mind?" he asked.

"A lot," she admitted. "I hardly know where to begin." She looked at her hands. The diamond engagement ring glittered on her pale finger. It felt heavy on her hand now, where only a few days ago it had been a part of her. Perhaps it was guilt. "Over the break I went to the Manor."

"Why?" he asked, crinkling his brow. "I was in London."

"Lucius sent for me."

Etienne stopped walking. "And what did my brother want?" he asked, his voice hard.

Narcissa turned around. "He wanted to discuss the idea that I marry him instead of you."

"Oh, really?" Etienne bit out. "What did you say?"

"What do you think I said?" Narcissa replied, angrily. "Yes, of course? You must be nuts. Why does everyone insist on making sure I turned him down?" She glared at him. "You ought to know me better."

"Then what is this about? You turned him down, end of story, right?" Etienne took a step towards her. "Cissy, what is going on?"

"He told me that he would kill my parents," Narcissa whispered. "Oh, Etienne, what was I to do? I couldn't live with the fact that I had killed my parents."

"So you said yes." Etienne turned and began walking away.

"What would you rather I do?" she cried hysterically. "Let them die?"

He whirled around. "You should have came to me," he hissed. "I would have seen that they were protected."

"How?" Narcissa asked. "How could you have done that without him finding out?"

"I am a Malfoy, after all," Etienne remarked coldly. "I thought you loved me."

"I do!" she said, trying to put her arms around him. "You have to believe me," she said, desperately. "You're my everything, but I can't be responsible for killing my parents. You can't ask me to do that!"

He jerked away from her embrace. "I never would have. Why did you go there by yourself? What were you thinking? I could have protected you!"

"I didn't know," Narcissa whispered. "I didn't know he was so horrible!"

"He's a Death Eater, Narcissa, of course he's horrible," Etienne spat out. "Are you satisfied now? All you had to do was owl me. I would have gone with you. For God's sake, you could have at least taken Sirius or James with you."

"Future Aurors?" Narcissa cried. "Have you gone mad? Your brother would have killed them on sight!"

"Then Lily, Remus…someone. Why did you go alone?"

"I didn't think..." Narcissa shook her head. "I don't know what to do! You have to help me."

"It's too late for that, don't you think? By now, I'm sure my brother has made arrangements to let everyone know that it's him you're marrying and not me."

"No, there has to be a way!" Narcissa cried.

"You should have waited. I would have thought of something. But now..." Etienne shook his head. "There's precious little you can do to avoid Lucius from killing them. If he found out anyone else knew, or even suspected, they're gone. Narcissa, you've really done it this time." He turned again and resumed walking away.

"So you're just going to abandon me?" Narcissa shrieked. She watched his figure get smaller and smaller. She sank to the grass. "You can't do that," she sobbed. "You can't do that - I'll be alone."

* * *

Lily sat up in her chair when she saw Narcissa return to the common room. Her eyes were red and her golden hair was tangled.

"Oh, Cissy."

"He hates me," Narcissa said softly. She curled up in a chair by the fire. "Do you think if I kill myself, Lucius will kill my parents anyway?"

Lily kneeled in front of her. "Cissy, you can't start thinking like that. We'll think of something. Don't we always?"

"It's not worth it anymore," Narcissa replied softly. "Etienne hates me. He'll never forgive me. I'll marry Lucius. I deserve that much."

"No, you can't," Lily argued. Narcissa shook her head sadly.

"I should have waited for him." Narcissa looked her best friend mournfully. "Will you still talk to me after the wedding?"

"Of course!" Lily said, softly. "We'll always be friends."

"I'd like to believe that," Narcissa replied. "I'm going up to bed."

Lily watched her go in silence. "I'd like to believe it, too," she whispered to the deserted common room.

* * *

"What do you mean she's marryin' him?" Sirius yelped at breakfast the next morning.

"Keep it down," Lily hissed. "I mean she's marrying him. She told Etienne last night...and it didn't go well. He isn't speaking to her and she's depressed enough. I don't want to fight her on this."

"Bloody hell, we can't let her marry him," James said. "What kind of friends would we be?" He shook his head. "We can't let it happen. He's a cruel man, doesn't she realize that?"

"No, why don't you tell her that?" Lily snapped. She sighed. "I'm sorry. I just don't...I just don't know what else to do. You didn't see her last night. She's got this whole defeatist attitude. I really don't think I can change her mind."

"Excuse me," Peter said finally. "I seem to have gotten lost in this conversation. Who is Narcissa marrying?" He looked at his best friends quizzically. "I mean, we've been talking about for ten minutes and it sounds as though the rest of you were already informed."

Remus shifted in his seat. "Well, Peter, Narcissa just wanted it kept quiet." He looked around at the others as if to say: He's our best friend...he should have been told long before this. "Narcissa is marrying Lucius Malfoy."

"Is she nuts?" Peter squeaked, momentarily forgetting he'd been left out of problem. "Why is she doing that?"

"Because he threatened to kill her parents," Lily replied.

"But what about Etienne?" he asked. "Can't he do anything?"

"He doesn't want anything to do with me," Narcissa said softly taking her seat next to Lily. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, Peter. I just didn't want many people to know before we made the announcement."

"But you told Lily. And James, Sirius and Remus," Peter pointed, hurt. "I thought we were friends, Cissy."

"We are," Narcissa assured him. "I haven't even told Gus yet. It's all happened so fast, you know."

"Right," Peter replied, temporarily satisfied.

"Are you going to tell Gus today?" Lily asked. She watched Narcissa fill her plate with eggs, sausage, bacon and toast. "You seem to have gotten your appetite back."

"Maybe if I gain a lot of weight, Lucius won't want me anymore," Narcissa replied. "And yes, I'm telling Gus today." She sighed. "I only hope he takes it better than Etienne."

"I'm sure he will," Lily replied. "He's your brother."

* * *

"What d'ya want, Cis?" Mundungus asked, sitting next to her at the library table. "I have to meet Fiona for a study session."

"Gus, I have to tell you something. You mustn't be angry with me," Narcissa began. She took a deep breath and braced herself for the worst. "I'm not marrying Etienne."

"You're not?" Gus asked, surprised. "But why?"

"I'm marrying Lucius," Narcissa answered. "I know you won't understand-"

"You're bloody right I don't understand!" Gus exclaimed. "What are you are doing a silly thing like that for? Etienne adores you."

"Because Lucius told me he'd kill Mum and Daddy if I didn't." Narcissa tried vainly to blink away her tears.

"So? Mum and Dad would understand. They'd never want you to marry a Death Eater," Gus said, angrily. "How can you do this, Narcissa? That would break their hearts!"

"Better their hearts broken than their bodies!" Narcissa replied, hotly. "I won't have them harmed. And he'll do it, too. He might not stop with them, either. He might kill you, too. Don't you see, Gus? It's the only way."

"No, I don't see. Mum and Dad wouldn't have wanted this-"

"I'm beyond caring what they would have wanted! I don't want them dead, don't you understand that?" Narcissa cried. She jumped to her feet. "Maybe it's because you're a boy and you've never been particularly close to Mum and Daddy and perhaps it's Etienne's excuse, but I am close to them. I love them, and I won't be responsible for their deaths. I can't do that. Maybe that makes me a horrible human being, someone who's weak and can't stand up for herself, but at least..." Narcissa trailed off and looked away from Gus, "at least it makes me a human being with parents." She gathered up her books and left the library.

* * *

After the word spread through the school, that Narcissa Fletcher had left Etienne for Lucius most left her alone to finish the term in peace. She and Gus had reached an uneasy truce--they agreed to disagree. Fiona Malfoy, Etienne's sister in sixth year, was thrilled. She adored Narcissa and was just happy that she was still marrying into the family.

The N.E.W.T.S came and went; Narcissa managed to pass them. Typically, Lily, James and Sirius received top marks while Remus and Narcissa scored average marks. Peter squeezed into the bottom five of the year. They graduated in June and Narcissa returned to her home in London.

She and Lily exchanged owls every day, but when the time came for Lily's marriage to James, the decision was made not to invite Narcissa. She was hurt, but understood. Who would want to associate with the future wife of a Death Eater?

The wedding date was set for July 15th. It seemed that the more Narcissa dreaded the final move from her home to Malfoy Manor, the quicker it came.

A week before the wedding, Gus had gone to the Ministry to report their parents missing. Though Narcissa had agreed to marry Lucius, the vows had to be said before they'd be returned to their home.

Narcissa was sat in her room, prepared to cry herself to sleep as she had done since Easter holidays when a knock at her window caused her to sit straight up in her bed. She rushed to the window and threw the blinds up.

"Etienne!" she cried, barely able to contain her surprise. He was suspended on a broomstick, staring at her like he never seen her before. "What are you doing here?"

"I need to talk to you," he said, urgently. She helped him into the room and switched on a lamp. He rested the broomstick against a wall. "I'm sorry, Cissy for the way I acted back at Hogwarts," he said without preamble. "I know it's too late now, but I wonder if I hadn't been so proud and stubborn, if we would have come up with an alternative to this."

Narcissa couldn't say a word; she just gazed at him as though she'd never see him again. And, realistically, she knew this was altogether possible. "You had every right to be furious," she said, finally. "I should have thought of a way out of this."

"It's too late for regrets, Cissy," Etienne replied, quietly. "I've just come to say goodbye. I've decided to join Dumbledore. I'm going to be a member of the Order of the Phoenix."

"Oh, Etienne," Narcissa hugged him tightly. "Lucius must never know."

"He'd have me killed," Etienne said, voicing the obvious. He pulled away just far enough to look into her eyes. "I love you. I didn't want to die without you knowing that."

"I love you too," Narcissa whispered desperately. "I'd give anything to be with you."

"So would I," he said, softly. "But I'm realistic. It probably won't happen, not for a very long time. But I give you my word, we'll be together one day, whether it's in this life or the next."

Narcissa couldn't contain herself anymore. She reached forward and kissed him passionately, putting every piece of herself into the kiss. She loved him so much -- this may be the last time they saw each other. He kissed her back, just as desperately as if he wanted to consume every last part of her. She pulled away, breathless. "Etienne," she whispered, "stay the night."

He looked at her. "Are you sure?" he asked.

"If I am to spend the rest of my life married to Lucius, please," Narcissa begged, "give me this one night." She stroked his cheek. "I'll never ask for anything else from anyone as long as I live. Please, just give me one night to feel truly loved."

He kissed her again, taking possession of her and she gladly let him.