Sev's Diary

Sev's Diary 1992/1993

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This Diary belongs to Severus Snape. This diary has been cursed. Any eyes that read this dairy that do not belong to the afore said, will spontaneously combust, thus singeing your eyebrows and, of course, rendering you blind in a horrifically painful way.

You have been warned.

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Dear Diary, What makes me do it? What makes me come back to this horrid hell-hole year after year, to listen to the whingeing excuses of spoilt brats?

Well. I must say that the food is pretty good.

In other news, spent the summer finally writing a book - "Severus Snape's Guide to Life." It is definitely a work in progress, but I believe, when finished, it will be a best seller.

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Dear Diary, While Quirrell knew more about the dark arts than defence against them, at least he could string two sentences together that weren't either about himself, or a complete mendacity. Dumbledore has far surpassed himself in his staff decisions this time. Not only does the wizard he has hired for the Defence Against the Dark Arts position hold the Witch Weekly's Most- Charming-Smile award 5 times in a row (that in itself should say something), he dazzled the hall in aquamarine robes during the feast this evening. No decent wizard would wear robes in a colour that is spelt with more than five letters - ie. anything other than black. Gilderoy Lockhart is a complete idiot. What possessed Dumbledore to hire the incompetent pretty-boy is beyond me. There was another, far more *qualified* applicant you know.

In other news, Potter and his red-haired shadow arrived at school this evening in a flying car, completely mangling the priceless Whomping Willow in the process. Dumbledore and McGonagall, the soft hearted fools, have obviously been enchanted by the boys history, and let them off with detention and a warning. I'm telling you, that Potter is an abhorrent egocentric miscreant, who obviously needs severe punishment if he is going to amount to anything.

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Dear Diary, I stick by my aforementioned accusations. Gilderoy Lockhart is an imbecile.

As is Potter.

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Dear Diary, Well, well. The three musketeers were caught at the scene of the crime today. Filch still believes Potter petrified his cat, despite the obvious. I doubt the juvenile delinquent has enough brains to work an eggcup, let alone magic that complicated. He's hiding something though. I expect him and his two little tag-alongs were up to something indecorous, but to be honest, I don't want to know the details. I just want to see them punished.

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Dear Diary, According to my horoscope in today's "Daily Profit", I am to come into some money today. That would be nice, as found book in order form that would quite like to buy - "Vengeful Potions for Vengeful Wizards." Unfortunately the idiots who work for the D.P. have less credibility than Trelawney and less brains than Lockhart.

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Dear Diary, You know, maybe that Lockhart isn't so bad after all. He managed to remove all the bones in Potter's right arm today. It took all the self control I could muster not to laugh at the justice. Almost made up for our spectacular Quidditch loss.

Almost.

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Dear Diary, So. The Chamber of Secrets has been opened once again.

I'm not sure whether to feel pleased with all the terror, or annoyed that I am no longer the most feared in the castle.

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Dear Diary, THAT POTTER. One day I will get him, if it's the last thing I do. The rest of the staff can blindly adore him as much as they want, but he has disrupted my class for the LAST TIME.

On bright note, received new "Potions for Vengeance" magazine by owl today. On of the great things about Hogwarts is all the unsuspecting guinea pigs.

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Dear Diary, I take it back. Lockhart is an idiot. Managed to make a fool of him in front of most of the school during duelling club today. Who would have thought his hair could get messed up though? Albeit, it was only a slight ruffle, but frankly I never believed it was actually real hair up until now - always thought it was a wig, or wig-looking plastic. Nice to know he is human.

Also got to make a spectacle of Potter, although he really did steal the show all by himself. It is an interesting twist to his already fascinating life that he is a Parselmouth. Would never have thought he would have anything so interesting in him.

I still hate him though.

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Dear Diary, Just why millions of witches everywhere are enamoured with Lockhart is beyond me. Today, would you believe it, he announced, while wearing ridiculously feminine PINK robes, that he had special Valentines day events planned. Obviously missed the memo that pink is a GIRL'S colour. If anyone asks me for a Love Potion Recipe, I swear I will force feed them poison.

I hope someone does.

I hope it's Lockhart.

Or Potter.

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Dear Diary, Had good day today - took total of 80 points from Gryffindor. I really hate Gryffindors. Brave is just a short was of saying too stupid to realise any danger they might be in. They are all thicker than two planks stuck together.

Of course, the fact that it’s Potter and his parents house doesn't help at all.

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Dear Diary, Despite Lockhart poncing around in his sickeningly cheerful mood, informing us that Slytherin's monster is scared of him (no doubt as scared as the rest of us, but not in the way Lockhart is hoping), Dumbledore has all the staff on night shifts. As if I don't have enough to do. I found a fascinating book in the library - "An Unusual Pickle - An Advanced Guide to Pickling The Animals You've Always Wanted To". Fantastic book. Have jar just the right size for Filch's mangy cat.

As far as I'm concerned, we should just send the brats home for the rest of the year. Or at least let me try some potions on them if they're going to die anyway.

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Dear Diary, I would really love to know what goes on inside Longbottom's head. Well, actually that makes it sound like something actually DOES go on in there. I would really love to dust out the cobwebs and rent it out as luxury accommodation far away from the hustle and bustle of an active brain cell. I have seen paper weights with more aptitude than that great lump.

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Dear Diary, Dumbledore has been suspended as Headmaster - no doubt as a direct result of Lucius Malfoy's threats. Not quite sure what to think on that one - everyone seems to think that the monster will kill people next, but it hasn't been too worried about Dumbledore's presence before now.

I will say this though, whoever does catch Slytherin's monster, it certainly wont be that sorry-excuse-for-a-wizard Lockhart. Who in the dickens does he think he is anyway? It doesn't matter how many books you write, or how many lives you claimed to have saved, nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, gives any self-respecting wizard the right to curl their hair or to wear purple robes.

I guess he didn't get the memo abut that colour either.

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Dear Diary, Never fear!! Dumbledore's favourite boy has saved the day again! It really is sickening how Potter always ends up as the hero. I mean, come on. Am I the only one who sees him for the repugnant little brat he is? (One good thing to come out of all of this - Lockhart has finally succumbed to his stupidity and has managed to wipe his own memory. Actions speak louder than words, so I will say no more on the matter.)

I really hate that Potter kid.