Late Night with Harry Potter!!

(Cheering crowd in a darkened studio; zoom in on curtains.)

Announcer (the still befuddled Gilderoy Lockhart): It's LATE NIGHT WITH HARRY POTTER!! Ladies and gentlemen....your bespectacled, scar-headed host...HARRY POTTER!! Who is THAT?! Where am I?? Better yet...who am I? Where is my coffee??

(A short, skinny boy comes out, grinning madly and flailing his arms around like a floundering sea turtle.)

Harry: Thank you, Gilderoy!!

Gilderoy (voice still magnified): SHUTUP! Who the hell are you?

Harry (brushing it off) Welcome, welcome everyone to the first episode of The Harry Potter Show!!! We're really glad to--what?

(A man with important looking headphones on walks up and whispers something in Harry's ear.)

Harry: Right! Right! That's not the name of the show!! It's called Late Night with Harry Potter! I'm your host, Harry Potter!!

(audience, filled mainly with teenage girls holding up posters that read 'OMG I luv Harry, he's like sooo cooowal!!!1!one!!', screams in delight)

Harry (blushing as red as Ron Weasley): Thank you, thank you. In the news tonight, it seems that a pack of snakes has been freed from a local animal shelter.

(Mad cheering from the mysterious hooded members of the audience.)

Harry (looking around in slight panic): Erm...right...pack of snakes freed. They suspect that it might have been that crazy Dark Lord, but after closer inspection it just turned out to be me--hey! Who wrote these cards??

(A sinister, hooded figure with long fingers beside the camera gives Harry the 'go-ahead' sign)

Harry: Okay...um...anyway, why don't we just take a seat over here at my desk?

(He moves towards the desk, suddenly dropping to the ground and crawling; the audience gasps as he writhes around on the floor, convulsing like he has just had a heroin overdose.)

Audience: GASP!!

Gilderoy Lockhart (voice magically magnified): What a funny dance that boy has. Who is he?

(Harry jumps up quickly and smiles, indicating that he is quite well.)

Harry: Gotcha!! Thought I was under the Imperius Curse, didn't you!

(Hooded audience members grumble in discontent.)

Harry: No, no, it was nothing, really, really. Now...we have a variety of guests tonight, each of them as surprising as the next!! But first, we're going to introduce something we're starting on the show...the Harry and his friends look-alike contest!! We have some winners we picked among many entries!!

(A strange group of people walk in, each more funnier than the last; Harry walks up and down the line)

Harry: Now, you must be Hermione Granger.

(He stands by a tall man with large front teeth and shaggy hair).

Shaggy Haired Man: Actually I live right outside the studio. In the alley. I'm a hobo. Where's the liquor I was promised? I asked for some Jack Daniels, Potter, give it to me.

Harry: Haha, isn't he great, folks?

(He scurries quickly to the next entrant, leaving the very irate hobo scratching his head.)

Harry: Now you must be...Professor Lupin, right?

(This contestant is a dead-on Lupin, complete with book. The contestant smiles wickedly.)

Remus Look-alike: Yes. Lupin. That's me. Romulus Lupin.

Harry (backing away as he grabs his head in pain): It's Remus, not Romulus...

Romulus Lupin (voice suddenly becomes harsh as he grabs Harry around the neck): I'll pick my own name, Potter!

(A poof of blinding light ensues and instead of Remus Lupin, there stands the Dark Lord himself; the hooded members of the audience shriek and clap wildly.)

Voldemort: I can change into whoever I want! And I’ll PICK my name! And yours too! I’m not Tom Riddle! Such a plain name! And I will make up a strange, cacophony name like VOLDEMORT...I’ll just rearrange the letters in my own name!! MUAHAHAHA...(he turns towards the camera) Catch me later tonight as a gay waiter on Will & Grace!!

(A burly Hagrid comes out from backstage and grabs Voldemort single-handedly.)

Hagrid: Yer not on ‘til later, yeh dark idiot.

Voldemort: What? LATER?? Noooooooooooo...must...advertise...show...now...

(He is dragged off, kicking and screaming.)

Harry: Okay. Maybe we won’t do that ever again. Let’s just go ahead and bring out the guests, shall we? Our first guest tonight is a close friend of Salazar Slytherin! Everyone please welcome Blippy the Basilisk!!

(Girls in crowd scream wildly; a few faint. Blippy the Basilisk slithers out, coming to rest on the long sofa beside Harry’s desk)

Harry (speaking in Parseltongue; subtitles shown on the screen): Hello, Blippy.

Blippy: Hello, Harry.

Harry: Nice day outside, isn’t it?

Blippy: I wouldn’t know...I can’t see anymore thanks to your damned phoenix.

Harry (laughs nervously): Oh, of course. Strange, it seems your teeth have been removed as well.

Blippy: Yes, that was the director’s idea. Safer, he said. I could care less, the only thing I want to do now is go into a peaceful retirement away from chickens and live happily guarding a giant treasure on the Lonely Mountain, only to be killed (again) by a stupid Hobbit and his idiotic slave dwarves.

Gilderoy Lockhart (voice still magnified): ONE RING!! ONE RING!!

Harry: Be quiet, Lockhart! Oh, you mean Bilbo...he was supposed to be on the show tonight, but he cancelled...something about knocking up an elf maiden, I think. Well, thanks Blippy. Come again sometime.

Blippy: Of course. (Audience claps politely as he slithers off stage).

Harry: Our next guest would have been the Dark Lord, but as he has already appeared...

(Booing from the audience; cries of “Bring him back!” and “Voldy is soooo hot!!” are heard.)

Harry: I’m sorry, I’m sorry, not tonight. Our next guest is none other than the famous Mary Sue!! Everyone please welcome Mary Sue!

(The audience becomes silent; all that is heard is the chirping of crickets in a jar next to stage left. A tall, thin, drop-dead gorgeous girl with perfect brown curls, blue shimmering pools for her eyes and soft, shiny skin floats out and sits on the sofa.)

Harry (goggling, drool dripping out of his mouth, not thinking straight): Er...parsnip?

Mary Sue: My name is Angelica Phonecine Mirabel Arielle Listerina Shoshanna Snupin. I am half veela, half werewolf, and half vampire. Being the spawn of Snape and Lupin’s homosexuality, I am also actually a man and also your long lost sister, Harry. And I’m best friends with Draco Malfoy, who is my half-brother’s mother’s cousin’s son.

Harry (stopped drooling completely): You’re my sister? I guess you can just hook up with Ron then, he always gets the shaft.

Angelica...Snupin: I am perfect in every way. Men cower under me. They fall to their feet      as I pass. I am the smartest, prettiest girl Hogwarts has ever seen and I will make you fall in love with me, Harry Potter, after making Draco switch sides, and also after having an illegitimate affair with the Dark Lord and also having his beautiful child.

Gilderoy Lockhart (voice still very much magnified): COFFEE!! Gummy Bears!!

Harry: Somebody shut Lockhart up!! Well, it was nice to have you, er...Angelica Misleria Siberia Bubonic Klebsiella Snape Lupin.

Angelica Misleria Lupin: Of course. I’ll be backstage with Ron, then. Don’t wait up.

(She leaves in a graceful manner, shimmering the whole way out.)

Harry: Unfortunately, that’s all the time we have today, folks.

(Violent sobs erupt from the audience.)

Harry: We’ll be back next week with the one and only Sirius Black, talking to us from Behind the Veil! Also next week, we showcase the singing talents of Parvati Patil...tonight, we leave you with The Weasley Family, singing a rousing rendition of “Come on, Get Happy!”. Goodnight, folks!

(The Weasleys, all set up on stage, begin an enormous clamor, and end credits are shown. Guests come out to gather and talk, ending with Voldemort snogging Angelica Bubonic Plagonia Snape and Blippy the Basilisk having an animated conversation with the alleyway hobo-Hermione. Gilderoy Lockhart begins singing his own, made-up song, knocking everyone out with a wand he has somehow obtained. The lights go down.)