Trapped Behind the Window

Trapped Behind The Window

To my surprise

And my delight

I saw the sunrise

I saw the sunlight

I am nothing

In the dark

And the clouds burst

To show me daylight

Ooo, and the sun shines

Yeah, on the star of mine

Ooo, and I realize

Ooo, couldn't live without

Ooo, couldn't part without it

On a hill top

On a sky rise

Like a first born

Child

At a full tilt

And at full flight

I see darkness

I see daylight

- Coldplay, Daylight

Chapter 10

"Who are we going to address the letter to, Harry?" Ginny asked. "Lupin?"

"I don't know. I think we should write to Dumbledore straight away. If Lupin gets the letter he'll talk to Dumbledore about it anyway as soon as he can, so why should we bother about detours? It would just delay everything."

"Well..." Ginny said slowly. "I'm sure Lupin would be happy about receiving the letter."

"As opposed to Dumbledore not being happy?"

"That's not what I said," Ginny replied, shaking her head. "As Lupin is-"

"My guardian... yes, I know," Harry said, looking out through the bars uneasily, avoiding her gaze.

"What's the matter?" Ginny asked, surprised. Of course, Dumbledore was rather close to Harry as well, but wouldn't Harry have written to Sirius without even considering contacting Dumbledore? And even though Dumbledore was close to Harry, wasn't Lupin closer? And wasn't Lupin more... well... real? Because, of course, Dumbledore was a brilliant mind, an extraordinary wizard and all that, but a bit out of this world, somehow.

And on top of it, she was still mad at Dumbledore. It was Dumbledore's fault that Sirius had died; the blame lay by him, and him only. Harry didn't ever speak it out loud, but she knew that he still blamed himself for it. The reason he had sprung on Kreacher when he had first appeared, was not because of what Kreacher had done, not because Kreacher had betrayed Sirius - it was because he, Harry, blamed himself for being so gullible and falling for Kreacher's words, trusting what Kreacher had said without thinking about the possibility of Kreacher lying to him for one second.

"What is it?" Ginny repeated.

"Nothing."

"Then why don't you-"

"I just think it would be better to write to Dumbledore. That's all," Harry said flatly.

Ginny looked at him intensely, but Harry was still avoiding her gaze. Why would he not write to Lupin? Did the thought of Sirius still hurt so much that it was unbearable to him to 'replace' Sirius's role as his godfather and guardian? Was it that he didn't want Lupin as a guardian?

"What are you looking at me like that for?"

"Nothing, I just..." Ginny said helplessly. "Harry, Sirius is gone."

"I don't want to talk about-"

"No, Harry, listen to me, please. Sirius won't come back. You can't push Lupin away from yourself like that. I'm sure it's hard enough for him as it is, to step in as your guardian, sort of like being your second choice. And there's no point in trying to keep that space vacant, if you understand what I mean. Sirius will not come back to fill it in. And wherever he is right now, I'm sure he will not feel sad about Lupin being one of your closest-"

"I don't know what you're talking about, Ginny," Harry said bluntly.

"Yes, you do. I know you do, Harry. You are afraid of letting Lupin become as close to you or even closer than Sirius was. You think that it's an insult to Sirius's memory-"

"No, I don't! But look where being my godfather brought Sirius to! It's my fault Voldemort used that relationship between Sirius and me to-"

"Stop. Stop right there, Harry. What are you trying to say? Would you rather have not been Sirius's godson? Would you rather have not-"

"At least he would still be alive," Harry mumbled. "And I don't want anybody else to fall into the same trap. It's already bad enough that you're stuck in this place, Ginny, however, I'm still here to try and protect you. But if something happened to Lupin as well after Sirius... if Voldemort realizes who Lupin is to me, Ginny..." Harry sighed. "It's different with Dumbledore. Dumbledore can cope, I know he can, I've seen him fight Voldemort. But Lupin? He will have the same fate as Sirius if he-" Harry broke off in mid sentence, looking down at his hands gloomily and his voice was thick when he continued. "Never... never mind. The point is that being close to me killed Sirius, and I don't want to repeat the mistake again, not if I can help it."

Ginny looked at Harry carefully, who was ignoring her stare. "You don't have that much of a choice in the matter, Harry. Even if you try to push people away, it doesn't mean Voldemort knows nothing about your feelings for them. And some people, you cannot push away," she said, playing with a corner of the blanket nervously. "It's a risk, Harry, a risk to love, for you can easily be destroyed, through betrayal or death. But doesn't love also give you the strength to fight?"

"No, it doesn't, Ginny," Harry said, looking up at her with deep sadness shining in his eyes and sorrow in his low voice. "And I've pulled you deep into something that will never let you get out whole and happy. Love hurts, it does not give you strength-"

"Of course it does," Ginny interrupted. "If your mother hadn't died to save you, out of love, Harry, you would not have been able to fight ever. And you have not pulled me into anything I would ever regret, even if it were to cause my death. Don't you see what love does? How strong it makes you? Don't you see?"

"BUT I DON'T WANT PEOPLE DYING FOR ME!" Harry exclaimed. "Especially not you, Ginny! Anybody but you! Ginny, don't you see that you would be so much better off if you didn't know me? Don't you see? I want you to live! You and Lupin, everyone... and Sirius. I wanted Sirius to live as well... it's my fault he died. It's because he was too close to me, because I let him in too closely. I'm just so afraid it will happen again," Harry said, looking at Ginny with big eyes that were reflecting the sheer fear her felt.

"It won't," Ginny said soothingly, reaching for his hand. "Don't you say things like that. It won't happen that way again and... I... I don't think Sirius saw it like that at all. Not at all."

"What d'you mean?"

"Sirius surely didn't want to... to die, Harry. But I know for sure that he would never, ever regret the way things were, even if it is the reason he did die in the end. Harry..." Ginny stroked his cheek softly with the back of her hand. "Look at me, Harry. Some things are worth dying for. And I know that Sirius died for you. And that he was happy about it. That he was happy he could spend at least some time with you, no matter what the cost, Harry!" Ginny said, tears running down her face.

"I - I... it's just..." Harry tried but his voice broke off.

"It's still hard to talk about it, I know. I understand, it's the same for me. Look at me, I'm crying like a little baby," Ginny said and smiled through her tears. "But you need to stop blaming yourself for it. And you have to understand that Sirius wouldn't have wanted it another way, Harry."

"How can you be so sure about that, Ginny? How can you say that, you couldn't know! Maybe he would have been happier if-"

"I know, Harry. I do," Ginny said slowly. "And do you know why?"

Harry shook his head, biting his lip and still looking at the floor, trying to hide his feelings, his sadness, his weakness. Ginny stretched out her hand and wiped a tear away from his face with her finger, bending down to him. "Do you know why, Harry? Because I feel the same way," she whispered softly and blew him a light kiss.

"Gin, please don't-"

"Oh, look!" Ginny interrupted him quickly. "Our favourite friend is back."

"Very fortunate timing for you," Harry growled at Ginny in a low voice.

But Ginny just laughed and kissed him on cheek, whispering happily. "We're going to get out, Harry, out! Do you realize that?"

Harry couldn't stop himself from grinning at the thought either, forgetting about his anxiety at once. Out. They were getting out! He even smiled at Kreacher, seeing his beloved wand in the elf's frail fingers.

"Did anybody see you?" he asked.

"No, master," Kreacher said. "Here is the wands."

He passed them through the bars. Harry stepped forward and knelt down on the floor, slowly taking his wand into his fingers. He closed his eyes, trembling as he felt the old power warming him up from the inside, filling him with confidence and strength. His wand. He had his wand back. He looked at it fondly... holly and phoenix feather... Fawkes's tail feather to be precise... eleven inches.... How nice it was to have it in his hand again. His grip tightened around it and suddenly red and golden sparks erupted from the tip. Ginny laughed.

"Yes, well... I missed it," Harry said apologetically, still marvelling at his wand.

"I did, too," she said, also gazing at hers with a transfixed look. "I did, too."

Kreacher shifted around uncomfortably, which finally tore their attention from their wands back to the house-elf and the task of writing the letter.

"Have you got the quill, paper and ink?" Harry asked hurriedly.

"Yes. Kreacher has did everything, master," Kreacher said and passed Harry a piece of blank paper, a quill and a small bottle of ink.

"Thank you, Kreacher," Ginny said.

"Can you wait here for a few minutes?" Harry asked. "I want you to deliver a letter."

Ginny sat down closer to him as Harry unscrewed the bottle of ink and slowly dipped the quill into it.

"This feels so... weird. I don't know if I still know how to write. I haven't done it in ages, I think I've forgotten," Harry said, making Ginny laugh softly.

He placed the quill at the top of the piece of parchment for a while, thinking about Ginny's words. But she didn't know what she was talking about. She had no idea of what was going on. He was going to write to Dumbledore. Of course he would write to Dumbledore. Or should he rather...? Harry was interrupted by Ginny clearing her throat to speak. He didn't wait for her to talk, but just wrote the first thing that came to his mind quickly, before she told him what to do.

Dear Moony,

Must get out. Have wands. Kreacher knows where. Please help quickly - something is being planned. Can't say more, but we have shrewd idea what. We're desperate to escape soon before it is too late.

James.

Harry put the quill aside slowly and deliberately, reading through the letter again a few times. Of course, it wasn't coded very well; but how was he supposed to hide this important message? They had to know what was happening at once. There was no time for guesswork. And at least 'Moony' and 'James' wouldn't make much sense to outsiders. But he had to hope they would get the letter anyway. They had to. If it was intercepted, even if it didn't make sense to anybody, they could wait for a long time to receive an answer. The Order had to get the letter. It was their only escape.

At his side, Ginny was closing the lid of the ink bottle silently. She picked up the quill and went to hide both things in a shadowy corner, just in case they would need it again and so nobody would find it. She didn't lose a word about what he had written - Harry took from it that she thought it was good enough - but he was sure that she held her slightly irritating grin again, as he had addressed it to Lupin. Harry started folding the piece of parchment carefully.

"Harry, we should try and put a charm on it that will let them know if it was intercepted and sent on all the same. And if it's only a wax seal," Ginny said. "I was also thinking of attaching a charm on it that would lead them to us, but it's too risky. If somebody else indeed gets the letter, they could trace it back."

Harry nodded. "We have to be very careful. Collopergamenta," he said and tapped the parchment with his wand. Immediately, a red wax seal appeared on it, glowing magically. Harry bent closer to look at it and heard a sharp intake of breath from Ginny behind him.

"Prongs," she whispered.

Recognizing the crest, Harry smiled weakly. It was a hoof, pressed into the red wax. The faint glowing stopped; the letter was now magically sealed. If anybody but Lupin read it, a warning would appear on the inside as soon as Lupin opened the letter.

"Prongs," he repeated and looked up at Ginny. "Do you think that's enough?"

"It's the best we can do. Now, make sure your orders are very clear," Ginny said tensely. "Any mistakes and we've blown it."

Harry nodded grimly. "I'll see to that."

He took the letter into his hands and looked at Kreacher distrustfully. "Kreacher, you must take this letter to nobody else but Remus Lupin. I know that you know where he is; and I know you will find a way to get to him. He will most certainly ask you questions. You must answer all of them truthfully. Do you understand me? Nobody else but Remus Lupin. If, for whatever reason, you cannot reach him, I want you to put it - wait, wait, wait. When did you go to number twelve, Grimmauld Place for the last time?"

"I doesn't know, master. Perhaps four or five weeks ago."

"And what for?" Harry asked, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

"No reason, master, no reason. I's just wants to speak to my mistress... and Kreacher spokes to his mistress! Oh, she is not happy, not happy at all. Bad wizards still in the house and they keeps her shut away all the times! All the traitors, all of thems; even the mudblood girl, all them..." Kreacher muttered darkly.

Harry smiled. Hopefully things would still be the same now. "That's enough, Kreacher. Bring this letter to Remus Lupin at once. Straight away. No detours. You are not allowed to show or give it to anybody else, nor are you allowed to talk about it. You will answer Remus Lupin's questions truthfully. If you cannot reach him, you will lay the letter clearly visible on the kitchen table of number twelve, Grimmauld Place in London. Is that clear to you?" he asked.

Kreacher nodded, staring at the ground.

"Ginny, do you think the orders are okay?" Harry asked her.

"Yes," Ginny replied. "Yes, I think so."

"Okay," Harry said and sighed. "Here it goes."

His hand was trembling as he passed the letter through the iron bars of their cell, into Kreacher's thin fingers. The house-elf took it slowly.

"Do what I asked you to, Kreacher. No foul tricks, no finding your way around the rules. I promise that if you do this properly, I will see what I can do to destroy the bond between us. I will see what I can do to free you from this obligation."

"Yes, master," Kreacher said silently and with a snip of his fingers, he disappeared in a wisp of smoke once more, leaving Harry and Ginny alone to the darkness; anxious and tense as never before.