By Myself

By Myself

What do I do to ignore them behind me?

Do I follow my instincts blindly?

Do I hide pride from these bad dreams,

And give into sad thoughts that are maddening?

I loved her so much. She was my all, my everything. We were so close. It was as if we were two halves of one whole. Everything I held onto was for her. She was the shoulder I could lean on, the bar that could always support my weight. I will always remember the first time that I told her that I loved her. She stood in shock for a moment, and then her eyes began to sparkle. She smiled her painfully lovely smile and told me that she loved me, too. As I look back, I guess I should have known from the start.

Do I sit here and try to stand it?

Or do I try to catch them red-handed?

Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness?

Or do I trust nobody and live in loneliness?

We would spend hours together - taking walks, talking, kissing, and loving each other. Ron, as I noticed, had become quite jealous at this point. I told her on countless occasions how much I loved her, and every time she said the same thing back. I thought she meant it. I thought that it was perfect. Only now, when I look back, do I see that it was not truly perfect. I was just so blinded by love for her to see where the obvious flaws were. This was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life and rest assured, it shall never happen again.

Because I can't hold on when I'm stretched so thin,

I make the right moves but I'm lost within,

I put on my daily facade but then,

I just end up getting hurt again,

The flaws were everywhere. I don't even know where to begin. Everything went smoothly for a few weeks and then something began to change. It wasn't completely evident at first, but as time progressed something became very noticeably wrong. Well, noticeable for most. Things became worse and she began to lock herself away from everyone around her. I was still blissfully dreaming of our next moonlit walk by the lake. Of course, this never did happen and when Ron realized that I still didn't see what was right in front of me, he decided it was time to fill me in on the recent events.

By myself, myself,

I ask why, but in my mind I find,

I can't rely on myself, myself,

I ask why, but in my mind I find,

I can't rely on myself

He took me aside one night in the common room and told me he needed to talk to me. He said it was about why she was so closed off. By the time he had finished, the common room was empty. Good thing, too, or I would have horrified anyone who was there by the raging and screaming that I did after the explanation. He assured me that it was all true and that he would never choose to hurt me like this. It was just important that I knew the truth. I was furious that he would ever say such things, such lies. It was as if there was suddenly a crack in the bar that held me up and Ron was the one to blame because he created it. Except that he didn't. But I didn't know that. Yet.

I can't hold on,

To what I want when I'm stretched so thin,

It's all too much to take in,

I can't hold on,

To anything watching everything spin,

With thoughts of failure sinking in,

After the suddenly crude story that Ron had told me, I decided that he was no longer a friend of mine. I told her so and she agreed with me.

"All lies," she said.

And I believed her.

Just like I had believed her all along. Everything that came out of her mouth I assumed to be because I believed that she would never lie to me. After all, she "loved me." And she knew this. It's why she got away with it for so long. While Ron, alone and friendless, was reduced to being a helpless spectator with everyone else. He watched me crash and burn. I didn't realize it then, but I was alone. There was no one left to comfort me when I fell on my face. And it would happen soon.

If I turn my back I'm defenseless,

And to go blindly seems senseless,

If I hide my pride and let it all go on,

Then they'll take from me 'till everything is gone,

If there was anything that I noticed in this period of time was that she didn't seem to care anymore. Certainly, she cared about me (or so I thought), t other than that nothing seemed to matter much. She no longer had any friends other than myself. She spent most of her time locked up in her prefect's room. She went to class everyday looking as if she hadn't slept at all, and her grades were slipping down to the bare minimum. At this rate she wouldn't be able to graduate. Everyday she looked as though she were down to the wire and would never answer anyone without a snappy retort and the end of her answer. Worst of all, she began to look at me as though I was some pesky insect that just wouldn't leave her alone.

One day as she was leaving class, her bag spilled.

"As if I'm not going to be late already," she said.

Hurriedly, she stuffed everything she could into her bag and rushed off without even a goodbye. I began to follow suit. But I stopped when I heard a crinkling beneath my foot. I looked down to see a piece of paper on the floor. It was addressed to her. I picked it up and scanned it:

Meet me in the Room of Requiremat midnight. Make sure that you're not followed.

I couldn't believe it.

If I let them go I'll be outdone,

But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun,

If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer,

Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer,

As I lied in bed that night, I thought and I thought. What if Ron was right? What if he really was telling the truth? I couldn't let the opportunity to find out go to waste, could I? I almost got out of bed but something held me back. That part of me that still believed what she said had lit up. My undying love for her had told me no. It was probably just a study date anyway. I settled back into bed, a little unsure of what was the truth and what was the lie. Is then that I decided that the more comforting idea was the truth. It was probably just a study date. I fell into an uneasy sleep filled with haunting dreams of the real truth.

By myself, myself

I ask why, but in my mind I find,

I can't rely on myself, myself

I ask why, but in my mind I find,

I can't rely on myself,

I can't hold on,

To what I want when I'm stretched so thin,

It's all too much to take in,

I can't hold on,

To anything watching everything spin,

With thoughts of failure sinking in,

I blinked my eyes open. It was still dark out. I sat up in bed and looked around for some reason for my sudden awaking. I looked over to my bedside table, the magical floating numbers flashing: 11:50PM. I groggily got out of bed to go get a glass of water at the gargoyle fountain by the window, but before I even got there I saw something on my bedside table. Illuminated by the magical numbers, was the not addressed to her. I slowly picked it up and read it again. Then, completely on impulse, I went to the foot of my bed, dug out the Invisibility Cloak, and hurried down the stairs.

If she was leaving from her prefect's room outside the common room she would get there faster than I, but that wasn't a problem. I knew where the room was on my own, and I didn't need to follow her. I quickly wrapped the cloak around me and rushed out of the common room.

I ran through the halls, aware of all the noise I must have been making. But at that moment I didn't care. I turned sharply around the last corner to the Room of Requirement and there she was. She calmly stepped through the door and closed it quietly behind her. I strode up to the door and pressed my ear against it. Even now I remember exactly what I heard.

There was certainly another male in there. Was it...? No, it couldn't be.. He was moaning her name. Ok, I thought, this is when she slaps him for doing that. But to my disturbance, she did no such thing. She began moaning as well, although, this was much harder to decipher through a heavy wooden door. I felt as though she had stabbed me in the heart. What did I do wrong? Anger suddenly filled me and I, foolishly, ripped off the cloak and flung o the door. I stood in horror at the sight before me.

How do you think,

I've lost so much,

I'm so afraid,

I'm out of touch,

How do you expect,

I will know what to do?

When all I know,

Is what you tell me to,

They both turned to stare at me. They were sprawled out on floor with their clothes slightly shrugged off to reveal bare shoulders. Both looked up at me with identical expressions of shock and fear. I was too stunned to see anything beyond this. After a few tense seconds, the man spoke.

"Maybe I should leave," he said.

It was then that I took a good look at him. I thought I would faint. Ron was right.

He started to get up, and she got up with him.

"Draco, wait," she said, but that was all she got out. I could feel the anger bubbling inside me, waiting to explode. And it did. And it was on Draco.

It was a terrible sight. I forgot all about the use of my wand and instead, began to punch him. Hard. He fell to the floor, a heap of black robes with the Slytherin emblem on them. At that point she shuffled over to me and began to beg for my forgiveness. She made up great lies about how he had seduced her and that she had never intended to hurt me in this way. I turned away. I didn't want to hear it anymore.

Don't you know,

I can't tell you how to make it go,

No matter what I do, how hard I try,

I can't seem to convince myself why,

I'm stuck on the outside,

Don't you know,

I can't tell you how to make it go,

No matter what I do, how hard I try,

I can't seem to convince myself why,

I'm stuck on the outside,

I began to walk towards th door to my abandoned cloak. I was fuming on the inside but on the outside, I was void of all emotion. I was about to step through the door when she called to me.

"Harry, come back. Please," she begged.

As much as I wanted to tell her that I still loved her and wanted a fresh start, I didn't. I knew that things would never be like that again and it was useless wishing for it. I knew she would just hurt me again.

"How could you, Hermione?" I replied. My words cut her like a knife, but at the moment it was pleasurable to see her hurt. I walked out and slammed the door behind me, leaving her to stand alone.

I can't hold on,

To what I want when I'm stretched so thin,

It's all too much to take in,

I can't hold on,

To anything watching everything spin,

With thoughts of failure sinking in,

I can't hold on,

To what I want when I'm stretched so thin,

It's all too much to take in,

I can't hold on,

To anything watching everything spin,

With thoughts of failure sinking...

It hurt, but it was her turn to feel what it's like to be by yourself.