Half Blood Prince - The Parody

Chapter 1 - The Other Minister

Hugh Grant (as the Muggle Prime Minister): I am just here because I am good looking, and I am British. In this mind bogglingly boring chapter, it is necessary to have fantasy stimulating material.

Cornelius Fudge: Blah, blah..Muggles..blah..Dumbledure...blah.

Voldemort: *makes bridges explode*

Rufus Scrimgeour: I have the name of a dog, I look like a lion, and I seem to be completely irrelevant to the plot, except for my constant case of PMS.

Voldemort: *makes more bridges explode* PWNED, BWAHAHA!

Chaper 2 - Spinner's End

The fox: *blink*

Bellatrix Lestrange: Stop blinking! The Dark Lord does not like blinking! AVADA KEDAVRA!

The fox: *drops dead*

Bellatrix: *is tough*

Narcissa: This is my big break. I must make it look good.

*pause*

Narcissa: OH SEVERUS!

The United Kingdom: *all is deaf*

Narcissa: My SON! My only SON! Promise me that you will protect my SON!

Severus: If you insist. Even though this will take away from my quiet and cozy life with Wormtail and my cats, it will create a semi-plausible excuse for a plot.

Chapter 3 - Will and Won't

Harry: My room could pass as a trash can, which adds to the wangst and woe of my orphan life.

Harry: Dumbledore won't come get me, because that would be a GOOD thing, and nothing good happens to me.

Harry: *listens to Bright Eyes*

Dumbledore: *knock knock*

Harry: Go away, old man! You are ruining my emo image. What will my MySpace friends say?

Dumbledore: *blue eyes twinkle*

Dumbledore: *they twinkle some more*

Dumbledore: This is important, Harry.

The Dursleys: We don't like wizards. That is our only role in the books. *continue being scared of anything magical*

Harry: So, since Kreacher belongs to me, I could make him stick a shovel up his ass?

Dumbledore: If you wish, Harry. I would opt to start with a spoon though.

Harry: KREACHER! Stick a shovel up your ass!

Kreacher: To himself: Oh shit.

Kreacher: Won't, won't, WON'T!

Chaper 4 - Horace Slughorn

Dumbledore: Has your scar been hurting, Harry?

Harry: Nah. But I have been writing some very deep poetry. I carve my knife into my flesh, my bloody tears spill onto the paper..

Dumbledore: *beams* Wonderful, Harry. You are just like your father, except..

Harry: Yeah, yeah. I have my mother's eyes. The poetry, I don't think Voldy likes it too much. He hasn't tried to get into my head once.

Harry: So tell me again, why am I going with you to visit this friend?

Dumbledore: Horace has a crush on you, Harry. I want you to persuade him to come to Hogwarts with your manly charms and your eyes, like large emeralds.

Harry: *persuades with manly charms and eyes, like large emeralds*

Chapter 5 - An Excess of Phlegm

Mrs. Weasley: HARRY! Look how thin you are, eat!

Harry: WTF, Mrs.Weasley, how do you expect me to fit into these tight pants if my arse is the size of a Quidditch field?

Mrs. Weasley: *looks at Harry's arse*

Mrs. Weasley: It is not so bad, dear.

Harry: Well, I did model those assless chaps for a few years..

Arthur: Molly, my kinky little parakeet! What do I call you when we are..you know?

Mrs.Weasley: Mollywobbles.

Harry: Oh gods, keep it in the bedroom, kthnx.

Fleur Delacour: Even though I have been in England for a billion years, I still cannot get rid of my accent, because the readers might forget that I am French.

Fleur: 'ARRY! 'ELLO ZERE!

Ginny and Hermione: We hate Fleur because she is pretty, and we are British.

Ron: I still have not been properly kissed, even though soon I will be old enough to have grandchildren. *wangsts around*

Hermione: OMGZ, I have a record OWLS!

Harry: I got less, because I should not appear to be perfect. Emo is not perfect. Emo is blood, and soul and tears..

Chaper 6 - Draco's Detour

Everyone:OMGZ, let us go to Diagon Alley, even though there are Death Eaters on the loose, and we could all be killed!

Everyone: More plot, YAYZ!

Draco: I seem to spend most of my time at Madam Malkin's. Voldemort is planning to overtake the wizarding world with his big, bad, lime robes.

Narcissa: OMG, I am in the scene!

Draco: Let me call Hermione a Mudblood again. She might not have picked it up by now.

The trio: *go to the Weasley joke shop*

The Weasley twins: Here Harry. Take anything you want, for free.

Ron: *takes stuff too*

The wins: Nuhuh, little brother. Harry is the Boy Who Lived. If you were in his place, you might also be the Boy Who Got Free Stuff. Now, PAY UP BITCH!

The trio: Let us follow Draco into Knockturn Alley. It is just another chance for us to get killed.

Draco: To the shopowner: Listen, guy. You better fix it, or you die. Tony Soprano is my cousin.

Draco: Pwned.

Chapter 7 - The Slug Club

*everyone stares as Harry walks through the train*

Harry: I knew I did a good job with buying this Dashboard Confessional shirt. It matches the blackness of my heart.

Luna: *is still barmy*

Slugorn's letter: Meet me in Compartment C!

Harry: I wonder what the extracurricular activities are in the Slug Club.

The Slug Club: *is utterly boring*

Harry: *follows Zabini to Malfoy's compartment*

Harry: I am so tough with my Invisibility Cloak.

The Slytherins: Omgz, Ginny Weasley is teh pretty!

Blaise Zabini: I am teh prettier, DAMN IT!

Draco: *pulls the cloak off Harry*

Draco: *breaks Harry's nose*

Harry: Hee, my poetry is coming true. This is so inspiring.

Harry: But I am the hero of the Wizarding World, surely someone will find me, even though the train is empty, and I have the Invisibility Cloak over me!

Chapter 8 - Snape Victorious

Tonks: *finds Harry*

Tonks: WOTCHER, damn it.

Harry: Sup.

Snape: Oh, Harry is quite safe in my hands.

Snape: *mind rapes, tortures and kills Harry* BILLION POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!

Dumbledore: There is a new DADA teacher, as usual. Harry Potter books are one big, fat cliche, and why stop that now?

Dumbledore: The new DADA teacher - Severus Snape!

Snape: Pwned, y'all. Pwned.

Everyone: *is pwned*

Chapter 9 - The Half-Blood Prince

The Trio: Oh damn, Hagrid will be bummed about us not taking Care of Magical Creatures anymore.

Harry: Don't worry, guys, I'll let him borrow my Saddle Creek collection. It does wonders.

Snape: *speaks of Dark Arts with a loving caress in his voice* My precioussssss...

Dumbledore's letter: Sup, Harrycakes. Come to my office on Saturday. Do you prefer wine or champagne? Let me know, love. xox

Harry: Oooh, looky here! A stranger wrote all over my Potions book! Let me listen to him and hope I don't end up with my brains as part of the potions! YAYZ!

The Half-Blood Prince: This book is the property of me.

Chapter 10 - The House of Gaunt

Harry: *is still following Half-Blood Prince's intructions and still has intact brains*

Slughorn: Oh Harry, you Potions minx, you make me think naughty thoughts.

Harry: *goes to Dumbledore*

Dumbledore: Now we will be exploring the life of Tom Riddle. Don't worry Harry, it will be a good guide to true emoness and wangst.

Morfin: *is barmier than Luna*

Merope: *is plain and scared*

*angst angst angst*

Harry: Omg, that was Tom Riddle's mum.

Harry: Omg, I would hit it. With a truck.

Dumbledore: Harry, check out the bling bling. It's the Gaunt ring.

Harry: Oh cool, very ghetto fabulous of you, Dumbledore.

Chapter 11 - Hermione's Helping Hand

Harry: Check out the motion of my potion.

Slughorn: *beams*

Hermione: Omgz, Stan Shunpike is a Death Eater!

Ron: He might be under Imperius. Or he might have realized the advantage - he doesn't need Avada Kedavra..one look at his face would surely kill anyone.

Harry: Ooh, let me hold Quidditch trials! The Wizarding World is in grave danger, but who CARES, we have QUIDDITCH!

Hermione: *messes up McLaggen's tryout* Now this will show the readers that I am a rebel as well as an incredibly intelligent witch.

Harry: Ron, you PWNED! *glomp glomp*

Hagrid: *is inside his hut, listening to Cursive* Go away, the trio! I have had enough of you punk ass bitches.

The trio: Hagrid, your class pwns, but we are just so busy.

Hagrid: OKAYZ! Let us eat some rock hard cakes.

Harry: Malfoy is up to something. Being so brilliant and intelligent and good looking as I am, I am sure of it.

Chapter 12 - Silver And Opals

Dumbledore: *is gone*

Harry: WTF. Him being gone distracts attention away from ME. LOOK AT ME. I AM SO PRETTY.

Harry: *dangles Ron upside down*

Harry: Hmm..I wonder WHO is good at Potions, and who was once the victim of this spell...this is a really mystery..

Hermione: The Prince is Teh Ebil!

Slughorn: Harry, come to my supper!

Harry. Can't. Am having a date with Dumbledore.

Slugorn: Ooh, wine or champagne?

Harry. *shrug* I'd rather have a Coke.

Mundungus: *steals stuff*

Harry: Move, everyone! I am the hero, and I will pin him against the wall!

Harry: *pins against the wall*

Katie Bell: Since I was completely irrelevant until now, why not make me the victim of Imperius curse!

Harry: MOVE, EVERYONE! The HERO is here.

Harry: This is Malfoy's doing, I swear on my tight pants.

Ron and Hermione: STFU Harry, or go shag Malfoy already.

Chapter 13 - The Secret Riddle

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.

Dumbledore: Chill, Harry.

Dumbledore: Today we are going back in time, when I went to tell young Riddle that he is a wizard.

Harry. A'ight.

*in the memory*

Mrs.Cole: *is drunk*

Tom Riddle: *is teh ebil*

Tom: Oooh, I'm so special.

Tom: *steals your yo-yo*

Tom: Ph33r me, Muggle.

Dumbledore. Hogwarts..blah, King's Cross, blah, blah..

Tom: I can do it myself, because I am bad ass.

Chapter 14 - Felix Felicis

Hermione: You must know everything about your enemy. Their hopes, their fears, the colour of their underwear when they are feeling sexy..

The world: STFU HERMIONE.

Ron: I am just Harry's sidekick, therefore I will get pissed off about every little thing.

Ron: *throws a tantrum about the Slug Club*

Hermione: Oh, honestly, Ron..

*Ron and Hermione sickeningly ridiculous moment*

*Ron still sucks at Quidditch*

Ron: Ginny, stop swapping spit with every male in Hogwarts.

Ginny: Ph33r me, Ron, I am GINNY SUE. *maniacal laughter*

Harry: *pretends to put Felix Felicis in Ron's drink because he is a cheap bastard*

Ron: Yay, I am lucky now, I will not screw up yet another game for Gryffindor.

Harry: WTF, WHERE IS MALFOY

Harry: WTF.

Ron: We won, Harry!

Harry: WTF, I don't CARE. MALFOY.

*Ron makes out with Lavander*

Hermione: *emotional breakdown*

Chapter 15 - The Unbreakable Vow

*Ron and Hermione drama*

Ron: She snogged Krum!

Hermione: He is snogging Lavander!

Harry: Luna, go to Slughorn's party with me!

Luna: OKAY! Should I wear my foil suit?

Harry: This is why I wish Ginny Sue would realize that she loves me and becomes STD free!

Hermione: *makes Ron jealous with McLaggen*

Vampire: *is the only good thing about this chapter*

Draco: *crashes* ROCK THE PARTAY.

*Draco and Snape sneak off*

*Harry, as usual, goes after them*

Draco and Snape: CUNNING PLAN, CUNNING PLAN.

Harry: Omgz.

Chapter 16 - A Very Frosty Christmas

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.

Harry: I swear.

Ron: CHRIST! Fine.

*utterly boring Christmas with vomit inducing wizarding music*

Mrs.Weasley: *gets her freak on*

Lupin: Fenrir Greyback is a BIG, BAD WOLF.

*Ron and Harry open Christmas presents*

Kreacher: *sends Harry maggots*

Kreacher: Pwned, four eyes.

Ron: *opens his present from Lavander*

Harry: Very ghetto, very 'hood Ron.

Ron: Ick.

Harry: You should give it to Dumbledore, he sure loves his bling bling.

Percy: JK hates me. I am just popping in to look like an even bigger asshole.

Scrimgeour: Work with the Ministry, Harry.

Harry: WTF, I am the Harry, Ministry can work for my attractive emo bum.

Chapter 17 - A Sluggish Memory

Lavander: WON-WON!

Ron: LAV-LAV.

Lavander: Hello pookie snookie wiggly woo.

Ron: Hi my binkie winkie kissy missy.

Harry: Oh man. Another date with Dumbledore. WHY DOESN'T HE JUST TAKE ME TO DINNER?

Harry: I RATHER FANCY FRENCH CUISINE.

Everyone: *excited about Apparition lessons*

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.

Dumbledore: *shoves Harry into the Pensieve*

Dumbledore: *toasts* To a job well done.

Tom Riddle: *is really hot, thanks to his dad* Sup Morfin.

Morfin: *in Parseltongue* Ssssssup.

*they ramble on about nothing, which includes Merope and Tom Riddle Sr.*

*the second memory*

Tom Riddle: *asks too many questions*

Slughorn: *answers them*

*pointless pointless horcrux horcrux*

Dumbledore: I need you to to get the real memory from Slughorn, Harry.

Harry: Why me?

Dumbledore: Because he thinks you are a fine green eyed speciman.

Chapter 18 - Birthday Surprises

*more Ron and Hermione drama*

Harry: I am the little Potions Prince.

Harry: *gets more praise from Slughorn*

*true love*

Harry: Sir, what is a Whore-Crux?

Slughorn: SOD OFF I AM NOT TELLING YOU!..my little green fairy.

Slughorn: BUT I AM STILL NOT TELLING YOU.

*Apparition all around*

Harry: At least Apparating will help me get away from Slughorn faster when he attempts something.

Harry: I AM KEEPING AN EYE ON MALFOY. HE IS UP TO SOMETHING.

Ron: *eats a box of love potion filled Chocolate Cauldrons*

Ron: I LOVE ROMILDA VANE.

Ron: MARRY ME.

Slughorn: *gives Ron a drink*

Ron: *is poisoned*

Harry: *shows a bezoar down Ron's throat*

Ron: *now choking and poisoned*

Chapter 19 - Elf Tails

*everyone is in the hospital wing, wangsting over Ron*

Harry: PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING. MALFOY POISONED RON.

Mrs.Weasley: Oh Harry, you saved my whole family!

Harry: It was nothing.

Harry: NOW PAY ATTENTION TO ME.

McLaggen: Since Ron has snuffed it, I am on the Gryffindor team. YAYZ.

Harry: *gets hit by a Bludger, which is a standard thing in every book*

*Ron and Harry are together in the hospital wing, getting jiggy with it*

Harry: *calls Dobby and Kreacher*

Harry: Spy on Malfoy for me, MINIONS.

Harry: DO NOT FORGET TO FIND OUT THE COLOUR OF HIS UNDERWEAR.

Harry:..I personally think it's green.

Ron: Lace or silk?

Harry: Silk.

Chapter 20 - Lord Voldemort's Request

Ginny: *argues with Dean*

Harry: OMFGSQUEE.

Dumbledore: Get out of my office, Sybill. I have a date.

*Harry enters*

Trelawney: *throws a tantrum*

Dumbledore: Did you get the memory from Slughorn?

Harry: No. YOU KNOW, I WISH SOMEONE LOVED ME FOR ME. I AM SO MISUNDERSTOOD. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO BE THE BOY WHO LIVED, AND SCENE AND EMO AND GOOD LOOKING AND TO SPY ON MALFOY -

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.

Dumbledore: *shoves Harry into the Pensieve yet again*

*the first memory*

Hepzibah: Tommy boy! *pinches cheeks*

Tom Riddle: Heh, heh, I am so hot.

Hepzibah: Look, I have Slytherin's locket and Hufflepuff's cup!

Tom: AVADA KEDAVRA!

Tom: *steals the locket and the cup* Yay, I have my first two Whore-Cruxes!

*the second memory*

Dumbledore: *is chillaxing in his office*

Voldemort: *is looking pretty rough*

Voldemort: I WANT TO TO TEACH AT HOGWARTS.

Voldemort: ABOUT BUNNIES AND RAINBOWS.

Dumbledore. Tough luck Tommy boy. Try Oxford.

Chapter 21 - The Unknowable Room

Ron: I love you, Hermione.

Hermione: I love you too, Won Won.

Harry: *attempts Sectumsempra on himself*

*Harry summons Kreacher and Dobby*

Dobby: Draco Malfoy is a bad boy!

Harry: Oooh, does he enjoy spankings?

Dobby: Harry Potter, sir, you need help.

Dobby: He is using the Room of Requirement.

Harry: I TOLD YOU MALFOY WAS UP TO SOMETHING.

*Harry goes to the Room*

Harry: I need to see what Malfoy is doing inside you..I need to see the place where Malfoy keeps coming secretly..

A portrait nearby: FOR GOD'S SAKE! SHAG THE BOY ALREADY! I CANNOT TAKE THIS.

Moaning Myrtle: I have an emo boyfriend, Harry.

Harry: WTF. PAY ATTENTION TO ME. I AM EMOER THAN EMO ITSELF.

Harry: *cries black tears*

Chapter 22 - After The Burial

Hagrid: MY PET MONSTER SPIDER DIED.

Hagrid: COME TO THE FUNERAL.

The trio: Err..

Hermione: Harry, use your Felix potion to get the memory from Slughorn.

Harry: EXCUSE ME?

Harry: I am The Boy Who Looks Good In Tight Pants. I don't need Felix Felicis.

Ron: In Slughorn's case, I think tight pants are the equivalent of a luck potion..

Hermione: Oh Ron! When did you become so witty?

Ron: Dunno.

*Harry drinks Felix Felicis*

*Hagrid and Slughorn get piss drunk*

Slughorn: There was this one time, when I got a pet Flobberworm, and my girlfriend was supposed to be coming over, and see, there was a bit of a mix up..

Harry: OMG JUST GIVE ME THE DAMN MEMORY.

Slughorn: *gives Harry the memory*

*half of the book was wasted on the memory and the other half on Lav Lav and Won Won*

Chapter 23 - Horcruxes

Harry: I got the memory!

Dumbledore: I knew you could do it, Harry. I am so proud of you.

Dumbledore: Please don't sue Horace. I need a good Potions teacher.

*the memory*

Tom Riddle: *asks too many questions*

Slughorn: *answers them*

*back out of the Pensieve*

Harry: So, Horcrux is an object that holds a part of a person's soul.

Dumbledore: Indeed.

Harry: Heh, I thought it was a Wizarding Brothel. Thought Voldemort used it as headquarters

Dumbledore: WTF.

Harry: Well, it seems LIKELY! Just like..why do you think they kidnapped Ollivander? Those wands do not have to be used only for magic, you know.

Harry: So, I have to destroy the Horcruxes in order to kill Voldemort?

Dumbledore: Oh, good one. Why not?

Chapter 24 - Sectumsempra

Hermione: Omg, Harry, you are going on a mission with Dumbledore!

Ron: I hate being the sidekick.

Ginny: *ditches Dean*

Harry: Excellent. Now Ginny can become my girlfriend, even though I have not looked at her twice in the past 5 years.

Harry: It is so hard being the hero.

Harry: GINNY OR RON?

Harry: GINNY OR RON?

*in the bathroom*

Moaning Myrtle: Drakey-wakey, what's wrong?

Draco: *sobs* I can't do it..I can't..it won't work..and I am too pretty to die..look at my white blond head..it is so gorgeous..I mean..it isn't fair..

Draco: And then there is POTTER.

Draco: He thinks he is SO scene, with his thick glasses and his tight pants and his band shirts..

Draco: I'M TELLING YOU.

Draco: Who went to EVERY Bright Eyes show in the past year? NOT Potter. ME.

*Harry enters*

Harry: Are you calling me un-emo?

Harry: SECTUMSEMPRA, BITCH!

Draco: *is close to snuffing it*

Draco: *does not snuff it, thankfully*

*after the Quidditch game*

Ron: Harry, I am so glad you were banned, so I could have the spotlight for once.

Ron: Err, I mean, WE WON. WE WON!

Harry: *runs up to Ginny and snogs her*

The fandom: *dies*

Chapter 25 - The Seer Overheard

Harry: *goes to the Room of Requirement*

Trelawney. Oh, shit. I should have found a better place for hiding my alcohol and drugs.

Trelawney: There is someone inside. A happy male.

Dumbledore: I FOUND A WHORE!

Dumbledore: CRUX.

Harry: k.

Harry: MALFOY IS UP TO SOMETHING.

Dumbledore: STFU. Let's go destroy the Horcrux.

Harry Let me go to my heroic duties first.

Harry: Ron, Hermione, Ginny, get the DA members and protect Hogwarts!

Harry: My Inner Eye is seeing something. And since the hero will be absent, someone needs to attempt to be as good.

Chapter 26: The Cave

Dumbledore: Let's swim, Harrry, even though we are wizards, and surely there are other ways of getting inside the cave.

*inside the cave*

Dumbledore: Let me cut my finger as payment to the cave, it might earn the film a PG-13 rating.

Dumbledore: Let's take this nice boat to the middle of the lake.

*they get to the middle*

Dumbledore: Now, why don't I drink the green liquid here? I might be the only wizard Voldemort has ever feared, but who cares? This is more exciting!

Dumbledore: *drinks*

Harry: Hee, look, it's the guys from Dawn of the Dead! SUP GUYS!

*The Inferi seize Harry to kill him, and rightfully so*

Dumbledore: I am now better, because Harry can't die until the 7th book.

Chapter 27 - The Lightning-Struck Tower

Harry: PWNED. We did it, Professor.

Madam Rosmerta: Pwned you are.

Harry: Omgz, it's the Dark mark!

Dumbledore: Shit. Go wake Severus.

*they arrive at the Astronomy Tower*

Draco: The Death Eaters are inside, and fighting. My Cunning Plan worked.

Draco: I will kill you now.

*a year passes*

Draco: I will kill you now. Yes.

Snape: *enters* Draco, you nancy. That is why you have only 186 MySpace friends. See this?

Snape: *points wand at Dumbledore* AVADA KEDAVRA!

Dumbledore: *dies*

Chapter 28 - Flight Of The Prince

The Death eaters: *run back*

*lots of fighting, angst, and more fighting*

Snape: I AM THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE!

Harry: Well, that was a tough one.

The note of R.A.B: I am the plot for the next book.

Chapter 29 - The Phoenix Lament

*this chapter includes lots of sorrow, Snape bashing, Bill being a werewolf, and Fleur having a brain. I will not write anything else.*

Chapter 30 - The White Tomb

*Dumbledore is buried*

Harry: We cannot be together anymore, Ginny.

Ginny. WTF.

Harry: People will always be after me. Voldemort will want to get to people I am close to.

Ginny: But..but..we haven't had our upside down kiss in the rain yet!

Harry: I know, Ginny. I know.