Every Time I Close My Eyes

Chapter 6

Letting Go

It was a week before Ron's wedding and Hermione was feeling... Well, she didn't know how she was feeling. Every time Hermione would look at Ron she'd feel her heart swell with love for him. No matter how hard she'd tried, she'd never been able to let him go. Every time she looked at Rachel she felt her heart breaking in two. And every time she closed her eyes she'd see Harry's face smiling at her.

What's wrong with me? Hermione thought, her head in her hands. There was a thump on the table in front of her and she whipped her head up. Harry set down a large Coke in front of her. She had forgotten all about him being there. He had taken her out to lunch (a break from the cafeteria food at the University where Hermione taught) and they'd stopped by their favorite fast-food restaurant.

"Why the long face?" Harry asked as he took his seat across the table from her. Hermione took a sip from her coke and looked crossly at Harry.

"You have to ask?" she said bitterly. The smile on Harry's face fell and was replaced with a look of concern for his friend.

"Oh... Right," he said stupidly. Hermione groaned and leaned back in her chair. Harry rested his face in his hands and peered anxiously at her.

"Oh, Harry. I love him so much. I only wish I had..." Hermione trailed off not really needing to finish her sentence. Harry reached across the table and began to sympathetically massage the back of her hand with his thumb.

"I know, 'Mione. I know," he said solemnly. Hermione was thoughtful for a moment.

"Harry..."

"Yeah?"

"What if I just... What if I just told him I loved him?"

Harry withdrew his hand sharply and stared at her intently, trying to decipher if she was serious or not.

"Hermione, you can't do that-"

"-Why not? Ron should have all the information before he runs off and marries some girl!"

"You're just hoping that he'll say, 'Oh, forget about Rachel. Now that I know you love me, Hermione, I realize I've loved you all along and Rachel was just your rebound.'"

"Oh, do you think he would?" Hermione asked her eyes wide and dreamy.

"No," Harry said flatly. Hermione's face fell.

"Why not?"

"Because he is in love with Rachel!"

Hermione took a long, rattling breath to steady herself, her eyes brimming with tears. She knew what Harry was saying was true. Harry sobered.

"Look, Hermione. I know that's not what you want to hear but..."

"-You don't know what he'd say Harry!" Hermione interrupted angrily, standing up. Resolve had settled in.

"I'm going to tell him no matter what!"

"I can't let you do that Hermione. Listen, you're my best friend and I love you, but Ron's my best friend too and if you tell him you'll ruin his wedding. Besides, Ron's with the Chudley Cannons in Scotland right now so-" But Harry was cut off as Hermione stormed out of the small restaurant into the crowded streets of London. Harry swore and took off after her, knowing exactly where she was going.

_-_-_

As soon as Hermione had apparated to their flat, she searched her dresser drawers until she found Ron's owl that had arrived that morning. She raked the text until finally she found the information she needed. Ron was in Wimbledon, Scotland.

She apparated to Scotland without a moment of hesitation. He has to know. Hermione thought reassuringly. I have to tell him now.

_-_-_

Hermione looked around warily. She was at the stadium in Wimbledon but now she was not quite sure what to do. Hesitantly, she walked up to an elderly man in a strange assortment of muggle clothing.

"Um... Sir?"

He looked around, alarmed.

"Why yes, lassie, what can I do for you?" he asked, his voice dripping with his Scottish accent.

"I was wondering if you could tell me where I could find the business manager for the Chudley Cannons," she said politely.

"'Ay. He'd be through those there doors and up two flights of stairs. Go ter the left and there'll be a big door tha' says 'Business Office'. He should be in there I reckon."

Hermione nodded her thanks and made her way to the door. The voice of the old Scotsman caused her to stop.

"Yeh can' get in there without a ticket, lassie!" he called. Hermione stopped crestfallen. The old man smiled and walked over to her, pressing a ticked into her hand, a twinkle in his eye.

"There yeh go. I hope you find who yer lookin' fer," he said happily. Hermione stuttered about how she really couldn't take his ticket but he waved his hand.

"No, no. I've seen so many of these in my day that I don' need to see any more."

Hermione thanked him and ran through the doors and followed the man's directions and, sure enough, she found herself in front of a door that said "Business Office". Hermione raised a tentative hand and was about to knock when the door opened and she came face to face with none other than Ron himself.

Ron's eyes grew very large at the sight of her there. He smiled and swooped her up in a big hug.

"Hermione! What brings you all the way out to Wimbledon?"

"I h-have something to t-tell you," Hermione said shyly, fear starting to set in. Ron looked at her, expecting her to tell him what it is.

"Not here. It's something private."

Ron nodded and took her hand. He led her down some stairs and they entered into a long, dark corridor. He looked at her expectantly.

Hermione opened her mouth and then closed it again. She looked into his big blue eyes and saw something that made her stop. Happiness. There was happiness shining in his eyes. It was then that she realized it. He was happy with Rachel.

"What is it, Hermione?"

"I just wanted to say..."

Hermione looked into his face. Part of her was screaming, "Say it! Say it!"

"...Congratulations."

Ron looked confused for a moment. Hermione felt as if all her breath had been sucked out of her.

"What?"

"I never told you congratulations on your engagement to Rachel. I just- just wanted to say it now. I hope she makes you happy," Hermione said, her breath gone and her voice raspy and high pitched. Ron smiled and pulled Hermione into a hug. Hermione buried her face in his neck, hoping he wouldn't feel the tears running down her face.

"Thank you. You don't know how much it means to me to know that I have your blessing. She will make me happy, Hermione. She will."

Hermione closed her eyes against the pain.

"I know, Ron. I know."
A passerby looking at Ron and Hermione standing in that deserted hallway would say that Hermione was hugging, almost clinging onto Ron. In truth, she was actually letting go, something she had needed to do a very long time ago.

_-_-_-_

Harry had apparated behind Hermione and now stood in the shadows of a large pillar, watching his two best friends. He watched as Ron took Hermione into his arms. Though he could not hear what was being said, he knew by Hermione's face that she had not told him. Tears threatened to roll down his cheeks.

He loved Hermione, and like her, he couldn't take it anymore. He was so tired of watching her chase after Ron, listening to her tell him of her love for Ron. His heart was broken so poorly that you could hardly find the pieces to begin to piece it back together. Wiping a rouge tear from his face, Harry turned on his heel and went to a place where he was able to apparate back to his flat, leaving Ron and Hermione alone.

_-_-_-_

Hermione walked slowly up the stairs to her flat. She had cried far less than she had thought. Somehow, her conversation with Ron had left her with an empty feeling, yet a startling sense of peace that she could not have explained.

Hermione turned the keys to her flat and tossed them onto the side table in the hall.

"I'm home," she called. She could hear Harry moving around in his bedroom and Hermione walked curiously over to his door, pulling out her wand just in case. She knocked gently and pushed his door open.

"Harry, what?"

Hermione gaped around at his room. His walls were stripped bare and he was throwing things haphazardly into a suitcase resting on his bare bed. He looked up at her when she entered, but did not say anything.

He walked back over to his closet and extracted some shirts and ripped them off their hangers and put them in his suitcase, which was close to overflowing.

"Harry? Are you going somewhere?"

"Yep," he said plainly. Something was different with his voice though. He sounded winded and his voice was higher pitched than normal. It was almost as if he'd been crying.

"Where are you going?"

"Away," he said as he snapped the suitcase on his bed shut and pulled out another one.

"I'm moving out, 'Mione."

"What!? Why?"

"I can't take it anymore, 'Mione!"

"Can't take what anymore, Harry?"

"I can't take being ... here!"

"Why?"

"Haven't you realized it yet, 'Mione?" he said angrily as he threw his clock into the new suitcase so hard that it broke.

"What haven't I realized yet, Harry?"

Harry stopped throwing things in his suitcase and looked up at her. His eyes were red and tired.

"I love you, Hermione!"

Hermione was so taken aback that she stood in numb shock.

"Y-you love me?"

"That's right."

"But how? Why?"

"Gees, how could I not?"
"Harry, I don't understand? You love me?! Why are you leaving?"

"Because I love you and it hurts me too much to stay here with you when you love Ron."

"But I don't... I mean..."
Hermione shook her head. She was so confused. Harry got to his feet and walked over to her. He put both hands on either side of her face and looked her straight in the eyes.

"I love you. You don't love me. It hurts me to know that so I'm going away to try to forget."

"Forget what?"

"Forget you."

Hermione blinked, her eyes getting watery for the third time that day. Harry, unable to restrain himself anymore, kissed her on the lips, hard. Hermione felt little fireworks exploding in her head. In the small amount of time that his lips were on hers, the world around her came to a screeching stop. All of the dreams about Harry, the almost kisses, the fast paced heartbeat she had when she was around him suddenly made sense. She loved him, too. Harry broke off the kiss and stepped back and picked up his suitcase and walked out the door.

Hermione stared stupidly at the spot where Harry once stood, her fingers on her lips where Harry had kissed her. Finally her senses caught up with her and she dashed out the door.

Harry was a lot faster than she thought. She was going down the stairs so fast she almost tripped and broke her neck. I can't let him leave me. I love him. She thought wildly.

"Harry!" she called. He was so far ahead that she couldn't see him anymore.

"HARRY!" she screamed, desperate. Hermione came to the ground floor and heaved all her body weight against the door, causing it to burst open. She glanced around wildly.

It was pouring down rain so hard that it made seeing difficult. She finally made out the outline of Harry, standing by the side of the road, hailing a taxi.

"Harry!!!"

She ran over to him, but he did not look back even though Hermione was almost certain he heard her, even with the rain roaring as it hit the sidewalk. Thoroughly soaked, she reached him and grabbed his sleeve.

"Harry, don't leave!"

Now he looked down at her. His eyes were full of horrible anguish.

"Harry, you can't leave," she said desperately. He looked at her somewhat angrily.

"Why's that?"

Hermione looked up at him. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She wanted to say, because I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU!!! Her brain screamed at her. Her body did not respond, however and he looked at her sadly as a taxi rolled to a stop in front of him. He seized the handle and pulled open the door.

"Goodbye Hermione," he said, his voice cracked as he said her name. He got into the car as a dumbstruck Hermione watched. Hermione banged her hand against his window as the taxi pulled away.

"I love you, Harry Potter!" she yelled, but she knew she was too late. He hadn't heard her. Hermione stood there on the curb, so soaked that her hair dripped and her clothes were so wet it looked like she had jumped into a pool, but she didn't care.

"I love you," she said, but it was too late, he was gone.