Monsters In My Head

Usually, Harry was the one that looked like hell in the mornings. Today, it seemed to be Draco's turn. "Malfoy?" He was holding a crumpled piece of paper, staring into space. "Draco?"

"They took her. They think they killed me and now they've taken her." His voice sounded hollow. "They tried to kill me because I wouldn't serve, and they'll destroy her to control her."

"Pansy?" Yeah, stupid question. Who else?

"Yes, Pansy, you bastard." Draco kicked his chair out and stood. "They don't give you a choice, you know. It's join them, or die. She's joined them, because she thinks I'm dead. This letter is informing Hogwarts she won't be returning this year."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, everyone is sorry, but no one can do anything." He left Harry with a cup of cooling tea.

-----

Draco broods like it's a full time job. Harry catches him staring into space, or looking at his scars, and Harry knows he's thinking of her.

It's not a good feeling when the last of the hate comes crumbling down. It's not nice feeling when you start feeling fond about your worst enemy. It's even worse when you really *do* feel sorry for him. Especially when he doesn't want you to. Especially when *you* didn't want to.

You want to give him a hug, or some rubbish like that. He looks like he needs one, and you are supposed to be good guy...

-----

Harry rolled over in bed, and finding it empty, woke up. How quickly we adapt.... "Draco?"

He was standing in front of the window. "Neither of us wanted to be Death Eaters. I thought we'd have at least until graduation, maybe even until we got married. How was I supposed to know they'd take us so soon? They stole her from me, Potter. I'm willing to make a trade. I want her back, and I know that you and Dumbledore can help. In return, I'll do whatever I can to help you with the visions."

"I'll do what I can." Harry came and stood behind him, staring at the lake. "Three Ravenclaws won't be returning next year. Two more from the upper years of your house. A spatter of pureblood Hufflepuffs, and one of my own housemates. A seventh year that I know. I can't figure out why he left. I need allies I can trust, and that cuts it down a lot. I think I can include you, though. I have to."

"You can trust me." Draco was still looking out over the water. "I'll never admit this, but I trust you too. I will deny that, should you bring it up, by the way. I don't have anyone else who can help me."

In the moonlight, Draco looked so sad. Harry reached out, and touched his shoulder. "Since we're having a moment here, did I ever mention that I actually enjoy sleeping with you?"

"Not that I can remember, no."

"I think my uncle might have been right about me, because I think you're beautiful. All pale and almost flawless. Except here." He touched the healing marks on Draco's wrists. "It reminds me that Voldemort isn't just an abstract enemy anymore. He's going to come for me, and it's time I start getting ready. The visions. Having them, not having them. Not stopping you when you get like you get. I have choices, and they are my choices. I could say no, but I haven't."

"I've noticed." In fact, he'd found it pretty damn odd. Harry's fingers were skirting his scars, carefully avoiding hurting him.

"I also think it's time to stop pretending we both don't want this." He tilted Draco's head back, like Draco had done to him that first night, and pressed their lips together.

-----

"I can't. Not tonight." Harry had been sitting in the dark when Draco had shown up. "If I don't have a vision every few days, Dumbledore will get suspicious."

"Well, what do you tell him when we do sleep together?" Sleep together. Such an intimate term for what until last week had been purely a business arrangement.

"Regular nightmares. And I do appreciate the reprieve, Malfoy, but this is something I have to do." Harry sighed. "Merlin, I hate these bloody visions. What's the point, when Fudge pretends there's nothing wrong?"

"Do you want me to leave?"

Harry shook his head no, and Draco wordlessly climbed into bed.

----

At three in the morning, Harry sat straight up in bed, a scream battling the bile in his throat. If Draco had woken up, he'd have heard Harry retching in the bathroom, then running down the hall.

Dumbledore opened the door in his night clothes. "Again?"

"I watched..." Harry bit back the urge to vomit again. "I watched Voldemort initiate her, initiate them, I mean. He... It's more than we thought. So many of them..." He swayed a little. "It hurts."

"I'm sorry." He guided Harry into a chair. "I'll need names, if you can manage it." He pressed a quill into Harry's shaking hands. "What exactly did you see?"

Harry stared blankly at the parchment. "You can't tell Draco. It'll kill him."

So it's Draco now, not Malfoy. "If you wish."

"She joined them voluntarily. Pansy, I mean. He thinks they forced her, but she joined them because she *wanted* to. Voldemort administered the mark personally. She kissed his feet. Draco lies awake at night thinking of ways to save her, trying not to imagine what they must have done to her, and she kisses his fucking feet." Harry wrote the last name and snapped his quill in half.

Dumbledore took it before the ink spread. "It seems you and Mr. Malfoy have worked out some of your issues."

"Yes."

"If the visions are this disturbing to you, perhaps we can find a way to stop them."

"I've already found one. But you need me." Harry managed to stand. "Draco doesn't find out. He's sort of... in love with her, I think."

"If you think that's best." He watched Harry slink away. Something strange was going on, but if they weren't fighting, who was he to complain? Dumbledore picked up the paper. Twenty five names, fifth through seventh year, from all four houses. "Merlin. How could we not have know?"

-----

"I know what you saw."

"And what did I see?" Harry's hand tightened around the shaft of his Firebolt. Dumbledore always kept his word, but that didn't mean someone like Snape hadn't spilled the beans to his favorite student.

"You saw her, all of them." Draco picked up a pair of broom scissors and fidgeted with them. "Did they hurt her? I can take it. I want to know. I have to know."

"Draco..." How to put this? 'He didn't do anything she didn't ask for' seemed inappropriate and cruel. "It was relatively painless. I promise."

"Thank you." The words sounded forced, but sincere. "Any word from your god father?"

"No." Harry glanced towards the Owlry. "I keep writing, but he's not answering. I'm worried something's happened to him."

"You know where he's staying. Go find out."

"I don't think he wants to see me." Harry clipped a ragged piece of straw. "I should have known. Given the choice, people want a son, not a hero."

"Ah yes, Potter does his martyr impression. Why would he not want you around?"

"People close to me get hurt. That's why."

"Guess I'm safe then. I came already broken."

"Hey." His voice carried almost no emotion. "It's my turn to brood."

"I didn't know we needed to take turns."

"Have you dreamed of Her?" Harry couldn't look at Draco. "Since you came here?"

"No."

"You feel safe here."

"Don't you?"

"Sometimes. I wish... I don't dream anymore. Just the nightmares and visions. I need to see S-. I need to see my god father."

"I can't believe *the* Harry Potter doesn't know a way to sneak out of Hogwarts."

"I could go. But what if he doesn't want me?"

"Is this some kind of hero thing? Was Superman this insecure?"

"Superman?"

"Lucius has this thing about comic books. Long story." Draco pulled Harry to his feet. "Come on. Dinner. I can't very well leave you playing with your broomstick in the dark all night."

"Thanks." Then, the words sunk in. "Hey!"

-----

He fell asleep listening to Harry breath, waiting for nightmares that for once, seemed to spare Harry. And then, Draco dreamed.....

"How are you doing?" Her voice wrapped around his ears before his dream came into focus. She was sitting, watching him sleep apparently.

"I'm okay now." He looked at his scars. They weren't visible. She didn't have to know. "Where have you been?"

"We've had some trouble. I'm sorry." She smiled, then it faded. "Are you still in the Manor? Has HE come back?"

"I'm at Hogwarts. With Harry Potter." The Lady didn't have to know everything, right? "They've taken Pansy. He's going to help me get her back."

"I'm so sorry." A hand brushed his hair out of his eyes. "I hope she comes back to you. I know what it's like..."

He stared at her. "Who are you?"

"You already know that."

His eyes flashed open in reality. He focused on Harry's sleeping form, curled comfortably against him, and considered the situation. "Stranger things might have happened, I guess." He let his eyes close.

------

"What are you doing?" Harry watched warily as Draco threw clothes into a suitcase.

"I'm packing."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm not going anywhere." He was packing *Harry's* clothes. "You're going to find your godfather. I assume you know where he is."

"I'm pretty sure I can find my way to Professor Lupin's...." He watched Draco fold the clothes into neat packages. "Are you throwing me out or something?"

"I'm helping you. You're going to take your things and go see..." Draco stopped cold. "Your godfather is a werewolf?"

"No, my godfather is-" Harry caught himself. "Nice try. I'll only tell you if you come with me."

"I can't. I mean, we both disappear, and he'll think we've been kidnapped." He put a final pair of jeans in the suitcase and zipped it up. "I think that there really is something wrong with your mystery relative, so I'm helping you escape to find him."

Wow. This was really.... weird. Draco Malfoy was helping him. In all sorts of interesting ways. "Maybe I should stay. I don't think... I... the nightmares...."

"Potter, if you don't go, I swear I'll kill you myself. Find out what's wrong with your godfather and... if you don't come back I'll join you by my birthday. That's not too far from now."

"Okay." Harry accepted the suitcase. "Come on. I'll show you how I snuck into Hogsmead that time."

-----

The Knight Bus would have been too obvious, and traceable, if Dumbledore even decided to track him down. So... Harry'd taken the tunnel to Hogsmead, then braved the Floo Network to a London Station. From there, it had been a cab to Professor Lupin's flat. Taking a deep breath, he knocked.

END